Vietnam with friends

 My husband and four of his batch mates from Jabalpur Medical College planned a holiday to Vietnam, with their wives in tow, since all of us are empty nesters now. We have all known each other for many years and having met each other at a wedding recently, we were all geared up for the fun in store. 

I am not sure if the men realize how much we women (I was going to write girls but realism took hold) tend to know about them. We have heard so many stories starting from college times-the love triangles, the personality clashes, the college trips going up to politics during reunions that we have our own versions of what happened, when we weren't around and thats because these stories have been repeated over the years bringing as much joy every time; for instance the time the group went to Kashmir. 

Two of the guys Ab and B (I think I am beginning to understand why they are friends, names alphabetically similar, roll numbers were close together) are sons of Professors of the same Medical College too and now a lot of them are the elite of Jabalpur and are a support system for our family in Jabalpur. 

I have studied in an all girls medical college and when we have get togethers we hardly ever involve spouses! I was inclined to think it was because wives are good at feeling at home in most circumstances unlike the men, who need looking after.  This was reiterated by A (a radiologist, who is owner director of a diagnostic centre in Kolkata) who was telling me about his wife's college reunion. D is from Kolkata Medical College (was a a posh K..hal Kaatta then) and the nearly 60 year old boys and girls are going to go on holiday sans spouses. A did not mince words when he said that its better this way because batch mates' husbands tend to feel left out, I am sure he wasn't talking about himself! 

Well, five of us wives had so much fun trying to record slow motion reels while sightseeing in beautiful locales that there was no question of any of us feeling left out. There was also D, who had acted like the catalyst whenever the pace of the organization of the trip had stalled. D was the mother hen, during the trip too and would make sure I was part of the reels and photos even when I wanted to stay out considering how megasize I looked, in comparison to the rest and also because I wanted to spend time behind the camera rather than in front. 

I thought I was a good photographer until the group of ladies humored me and let me record one of the slow motion (SLO MO) reels. It was D who diagnosed, much to my embarrassment that I had no idea you have hold the button for the whole sequence, unlike when you record a normal video. We all laughed and shared my abysmal efforts on the WhatsApp group. Well at least it was a great ice breaker! 

Apart from us five couples, the participant who was responsible for a major chunk of our enjoyment was the box like, blue tooth karaoke speaker with two mikes! We had a lot of singers in the group. B was the Kishore Kumar of the group and his wife S crooned some great ones too in her husky sexy voice which complemented her glamour girl looks and figure. Ab apparently never sang in college but wife N let out that he actually did because he sang for her soon after they got married! So we were still learning stuff about each other. Ab and N were singing like pros too while trouble shooting technical woes (Karaoke songs, phone batteries, charging of speakers...etc etc) It was fun and it usually meant we looked forward to two hour bus journeys! 

Vietnam is a country which has recently opened up more to tourism (we now have daily direct flights to Danang, Hoi Chi Minh and Hanoi from New Delhi) and even though one can see the fast pace of development in the cities, people are simple, dextrous, hardworking and unfortunately elderly women and men are earning from manual labour like rowing boats for tourists in Hoi An where they used round cane boats (created to evade tax from French colonisers), bamboo boats in the Mekong delta and at the Hanong bay. 

Having been a French colony, people are not comfortable with English. The Vietnamese language is actually a Austroasiatic language which was originally written in a script which involved Chinese characters but has been adopted during French rule to be written in Latin script. 

This meant we had to concentrate and sometimes struggled to understand the tourist guides. However our most popular, spontaneous, animated guide at Hanoi, Tai was great at his job. He took feedback from us regarding what we would like, modified times according to our needs like extra time for shopping and bargaining and went the extra mile for us even while being very thorough in insisting to see the tickets for flight timings! 

We landed in Danang and stayed in one of the prettiest cities, Hoi An. Since it was the first stop we thought we will wait and buy one of the beautiful lamps in the bigger cities but we didn't find the colours, shapes and varieties later. The other problem was the currency- Vietnamese Dong is a hugely undervalued currency. So trying to get our heads around prices was difficult. Everything even 100 grams of fruits cost 20,000 Dong! 

We started shopping when the smart local ladies in the Mekong delta tour started telling us the cost of the hand embroidered bags and other textiles, handicrafts in Rupees. Once we realized how cheap Vietnam was, there was no looking back. This trend reached a peak in Hanoi where we negotiated good bargains and the locals accepted cash in Rupees! We were taken to a Bamboo fibre place which was selling beautiful things and while we made Tai reassure us, that there will be no compulsion to buy ,we ended up buying loads. Similar thing happened  at a place which showcased the process as well as the hand made paintings from sea shells and egg shells on wood. 

Another thing which was cheap and which we ended up getting nearly every day was massages! People seemed to know exactly what to do to make you relax and enjoy and would want to know if you were coming back! 

The cruise at Hanong Bay (area comprising nearly 2000 islands) was in a ship with two groups of six Indians and most importantly a group of single Indian women, twelve in number, with a man tour manager who could be heard shouting in the dining hall- "who had two vodkas/three beers?" When we were asked if there were any smokers in the group of 35 people on the boat/ship, the hands of few women from that group went up. Our husbands suddenly felt they were on a college trip and had encountered a group of similar age girls on the cruise! B in particular was belting out melodious Bollywood numbers from the time we got on to the motor boat which was taking us to the big boat. He was also impressive with "Baar Baar din ye Aaye!" in the dining Hall when we found the group of some very beautiful young girls singing the birthday song for one of their own. 

Vietnam was destroyed during the American war and we went to the Chu Chi Tunnels, a 121km complex of underground tunnels with traps which was responsible for the Vietnamese winning the war and Americans losing domestic support for it. People are very emotional about this and this is one place where there is a blatantly Anti American documentary playing at the start of the tour. I wish people would pay heed and not continue to create similar situations elsewhere in the world. 

Everyone talks about the food in Vietnam. Some believe its very good, some are afraid you might be fed snakes but the usual problem for a group of Indians traveling together is - "Three eat chicken, mutton, fish, three eat only cheese and vegetables, seven eat eggs, five eat fish....." Like our Team Leader Ab admonished B- "You cannot tell them dietary requirements of 18 people for a group of ten!"

The vegetarians had carried a lot of reserve food- parathas, theplas, sweets etc and they were a grumpy lot when faced with vegetable soups and salads (noodles and sticky rice was a saviour). The non vegetarians were grumpy because the portions and servings were less as seven of us had been deemed vegetarians (I was the disruptive person who wanted to have the fish and egg but wouldn't have chicken) and this was a subsidized group tour. On retrospect and since Vietnam is cheap, may be we should have not had meals included in the package. The reserve food was devoured eagerly the days we were on the bus during meal times. Both N and Anu who are post holders in the Jabalpur Obs Gynae Society were the providers and Anu was aptly named Annapoorna! 

BK and Anu have a hospital and a farm house in and around Jabalpur, but the interesting conversations we heard about, were the ones Anu had with her rather large dog! BK sounded jealous when she told us the dog refuses to eat if she comes home late, unless she tells him in the morning that she is going to be late! Anu's innocence was endearing as was D's struggle while trying to understand jokes and conversations in Hindi!

BK Sir was our Guruji, encouraged us to listen and open up in conversation. With the singers vying for the mikes, it was an important and welcome break which helped us find out funny and not so funny things about each other. 

We are all suffering from a hangover after so much fun in such a short space of time. The friend whose daughter's wedding we met at and who did not come along, as he had been to Vietnam before; has already put in his OK for the next trip, whenever it may be! Until then Folks!

Quietly Quitting

 Being a parent has never been easy and being a parent to young adults entering the job market, is turning out to be quite a milestone too. 

In recent times, I have heard my kids and others too, voice concerns about whether they are going to enjoy their work in future, whether this is what they would like to do for the rest of their life, whether they should try out/research other avenues...this after spending half a decade learning how to be a professional in one field. I have also seen them being worried about committing to a two year contract at the ripe old age of twenty one!(They would have to pay back training cost if they quit) 

Considering that these kids from the Siri/Alexa/Zomato generation (they can pretty much hear any song, binge watch a whole series online whenever they want to) I am not surprised that they have worries about life not turning out as they would have liked it to. They also have "FOMO" Fear of Missing Out! 

Like everything else, there is a word for the impact these dilemmas are having on the youngsters. Have you heard of "The great resignation" or "quiet quitting"? These are terms being hotly debated nowadays. 

Apparently young employees nowadays are drawing the line. The aspiration to "go the extra mile" has been turned into an aspiration to have work life balance. So people are saying no to overtime without compensation and no to additional responsibilities without promotion. I am guessing they are able to do that because they can (!?) find another job!

Life has always been relative- Remember the famous experiment where most people were happier with 10,000 bucks, if it was a little more than everyone else, rather than receiving 30,000 which in absolute terms was more but in this case, it was the same as everyone else.

This has always been true. Grass has always been greener on the other side. What some one else ordered in the restaurant always looks tastier.  However consumerism & international travel with people's lives being lived in full public vision on social media; is taking on gigantic proportions. This can make a 25 year old who has already travelled five continents, is driving his/her own car, who is debating investments; think of alternate career paths just in case they feel trapped in their profession in future years! 

Cliched as much as it sounds, back in the "good old days" the people who we looked up to, used to be the ones who were committed to their profession, the experiences we used to look for included something which enhanced our skills and knowledge but I think our kids are looking at their seniors and wondering what sort of work life balance do they have. They are putting themselves in their shoes and thinking do I want to be doing this when I am your age? 

The reasons for this "quite quitting", quoted in the article I read, were many- like lack of recognition, low pay, too much work etc but like most doctors I do think the MBA or managerial culture has a lot to do with it. Lack of transparency, pitching employees against one another, making them compete for that illusive promotion, not giving credit where it is due and generally making the workplace a place to justify their job by spinning numbers rather than doing what it takes to allow every employee to be able to access the resources to do their job and reach their potential is pretty much the job description of managers with a toxic company culture.  

On the other hand there are leaders like Dr Naresh Trehan who can get a whole gamut of super specialists to follow him out of hospitals to create a group providing cardiac surgery services to a city, just because he commanded that respect & following. His leadership style meant he was involved, would support doctors when they needed it most- getting school admissions in Delhi for instance (more difficult than getting into University). For my husband that time was when my father in law was suffering from cancer and he had to keep going to Jabalpur to look after him. Dr Trehan did not call into question the number of leave but then Ajay had gone many extra miles for Escorts. Most institutions don’t acknowledge or remember the extra effort! 

Other words being bandied about today are burnout, well being, boundaries etc. In my experience there is nothing which makes a person enjoy their job more than the feeling of being valued and appreciated by their colleagues. This doesn't come from any awards or stars, just comes from genuine face to face interactions which include smiles, nods, hand shakes, chats and follow up on feedback received regarding the barriers faced by the employees in not being able to do their job well. 

On NHS for instance it is simple things like access to parking after paying for it (Wow), enough staff, access to equipment, ability to plan leave... its not much, but the service employs managers to give well being sessions, monitor attendance and create yet another meaningless tick box exercise while causing a further plunge in staff morale! While other industries are providing perks to attract talent, NHS is making sure everyone leaves their shores!

We too left our countries in search of new experiences. In Delhi if my colleague was sick I would cover the shift and get paid the same every month. I was quite surprised when I reached England that we would be paid locum pay! My husband said his colleagues and him would pool money to pay the cleaner in Medical College Hospital Jabalpur, to keep the toilets clean in the ward they were working just because they felt an ownership for it! Obviously our problems are from another planet in our kids' eyes. 

Since the non medic youngsters nowadays are studying, working, playing online; I am worried that they underestimate the value of face to face interactions. Forget going up to a stranger or even an acquaintance to talk to them, they have reservations about calling their own friends! I texted him! Somehow those boundaries become more important than instant gratification at this point! 

I think this move towards online interactions rather than face to face is contributing to burnout, loneliness, depression, substance abuse! We need to rethink zoom interactions and gym memberships and think honesty, sincerity, integrity (such old fashioned words) and chats over lunch! 

Life is unfair and unpredictable but finally it is about enjoying what you have (think mindfulness in day to day life) while getting what you want!* 

*'How to get what you want and want what you have' was a book by John Gray which had a huge impact on me in 1999 when I had my foreign degree, Registrar post, marriage, baby and was beginning to feel like "quietly quitting"!!!

Divisions and prejudice

I remember meeting a young politician, when participating in protests as a medical student against Caste reservations in jobs in India, when Mandal Commission was implemented in 1990. He had explained to me that even he had felt this idealistic fervor against caste divisions in society, when he had been in college, since we don't tend to encounter the impact of caste in our student lives. But he warned that I should wait till I am thinking about getting married. 

I remember thinking about him when my parents started looking at matrimonials in the newspapers for me. Pages of national newspapers were dedicated to parents seeking brides and grooms in classified sections of various castes (mostly upper, methinks) looking for fair, beautiful and homely (my daughter recently asked me qualify what this meant) brides or handsome, smart doctors or engineers. 

However, I realized soon enough that my ability to do deliveries and abortions for private nursing homes manned by families of doctors meant that my dark skin and backward caste could be overlooked. Now when I am thinking about my daughter's prospective partners, my prejudices are revealed as much as the realization that nothing has actually changed in the marriage market. 

People nowadays don't actually mention fair or wheatish complexion (which is progress in my view) but they are still governed by the same prejudices. Caste is mentioned in majority of the profiles with Brahmins wanting Brahmins and Kayasths and Baniyas wanting same caste matches. 

I am painfully aware of how I would swipe right or left depending on the qualifications, looks, institutions of the prospective grooms; even though I pride myself on imbibing the message of Geeta which talks about knowing that the background essence and flame of life is the same in everyone.  

Its not like I have not grown up in the intervening years. A lot of credit goes to living and working with all races, colors in the course of my working and living around the globe. But most of all my prejudices in favor of fairer skin and views conforming to the stereotypes against races have been called out by my children and they have truly been the guiding light in letting go of my racist views and anxieties. 

I should know better than my children that people sitting in big houses and belonging to upper castes or classes don't necessarily have big hearts which believe in empathy and inclusiveness. I should know better than them that the most successful matches and marriages happen in spite of mismatched looks, occupations, interests, social class, color, community. 

Colleagues in UK would be very surprised that most of us Indian doctors are married to doctors. I remember how surprised I was (though hopefully I hid it very well) when I learnt that one of my ambitious lady colleagues in 1999, who had three children, had a partner who did not have a regular job. It  actually worked very well for them because of the flexibility he could afford, to pitch in with child care, while doing odd jobs. If only people (I am including myself over here) would stop worrying about how it looks to others and concentrate on their own mental stability, we would be fine. 

Most societies are classist but Indian society is openly and blatantly so. Nobody thinks twice about being openly demeaning of accents, countenance which doesn't conform to the upper class English medium school upbringing. Posh public school accents are celebrated in UK too but people take pride in queuing up and not throwing their weight around. Unlike in India, where people love name dropping and getting their way. 

I remember being surprised initially when I started working in the UK, when I met or got to know AfroCarribean women who were beautiful. This whole fair is beautiful is so ingrained in our subcontinental psyches that I ended up having a girl crush on the first Afro Caribbean Registrars I worked for. But then she was actually so tall, calm and lovely. 

The world today is more divided than ever but one has to have hope that the younger generation will hopefully create a more unified world for the future. Until then I will work on myself, let go of distorted dynamics which have been a part of my past and not let that impact on my anxieties for the future.

Covid Times

  

The one thing I have realized is the fact that I am in reality, a very anti social person. I am happy not having to dress up and go anywhere. I hope I will not forget how to wear a sari but it definitely seems like a huge task even mentally imagining it at the present time. It is possible if I worked from home, I would feel differently. But since I did not actually stop leaving the house to go to work everyday and since I was a sad person with little social life before (unless you count the number of friends and posts on Facebook), I did not feel like anything changed. I just had a very valid reason to decline all invitations without guilt, convinced I was following the rules and doing my bit for humanity by falling off to sleep on my couch. 

We have had a record showing at departmental teaching sessions and meetings where everyone is muted and veiled (what's the word when you join without putting the video on?). However speaking to the screen like you really feel passionately about the subject without making eye contact with the listeners (are they really listening, who knows?) is fine until you want some discussion and ask a question. One is met with a few moments silence like I presume one experiences if you walked into space from an imaginary spaceship you are isolating on....the feeling of absolute nothingness or perhaps infinity. 

Having got familiar with the miraculous application which has surfaced and taken over our lives in these times called Zoom, one then resorts to calling out the names of the participants for a response.  The person then has no choice but to unmute their device. She does it with an air of anticipated chaos as the whole meeting becomes witness to a full fledged sibling fight on air. Children are hushed, devices muted and we carry on until we find out someone else's mike was left unmuted as they were having a mundane conversation perhaps about another bane of our lives, the printer. Life has thrown interesting challenges in these times.

We have not been allowed to gather to share knowledge hence another word has been added to our dictionaries this year- Webinar! Mention it to my medical fraternity and they sigh in frustration! 

As working women, the workplace sometimes is a much needed break from the chaos ensuing at home. And a break from both home and work used to be the conferences usually hosted in nice locales or starred hotels. One had a chance to attend without husband and kids in tow, flaunt the saris, listen to accomplished people and feel inspired, eat and drink in a relaxed atmosphere talking to acquaintances, friends or strangers without having to worry about getting called for an emergency at home or at work. Sadly the webinars have added to our multitasking skills. Now we are having to try to learn about the developments in medicine while minding kids or patients. 

All conferences used to have a few notorious participants who asked a question after every lecture. There were always the ones who had genuine problems which needed solving but there were also the ones who loved the sound of their own voices, who loved sharing their seemingly unique experiences showcasing their esteemed expertise. However since the webinar only invites the questions in writing- the discussions are less lively as there are no pretty, angry or distinguished faces or accents to decipher, no counter questions or comments and the participants I suspect are only half listening. The charm of attending an educational event away from the familiar stressful surroundings is gone! One of the many Covid casualties. 

All of us know of members of the fraternity, friends, ex colleagues, elders who have lost their lives to this deadly disease, the impact of which has been revealed over time. There were many of us who were not sure that the lockdowns especially early on when India did it, were warranted. However all the Governments are having to grapple with having to choose between economy and health of its subjects. UAE is no exception. Like always it has used technology as well as  health infrastructure and systems to contain the infection in a constructive manner. Health regulators have had a 24x7 job interpreting WHO guidelines and coming up with their own and have done well but the New Year festivities in Dubai (Winter being peak Tourist season and major driver of economy in yesteryears) have thrown up another spate of infections. As a result, weddings, entertainments, elective surgeries have again been put on hold. 

Hopefully the vaccination drive will put us out of the woods. The Government has made tests every 2-4 weeks, depending on exposure, mandatory. But here is the catch, if you are not vaccinated, you will pay for the tests yourself, the cost of each is close to 80 Dirhams! Till now the employer was paying. Thats it, that made loads all over the country queue up to receive the vaccine, no questions asked and we are amongst the top countries in terms of number of vaccinations. 

I remember when I was training, blood borne infections like Hepatitis B and HIV were the ones which we worried about. Every day I would wonder if the blood and liquor which had been splashed all over during my work hours, had gone into my eye or into a little unseen cut in my hand! Soon we were using universal precautions- we learnt to treat everyone like they could be harboring an infection. 

Looks like this might happen again. Much as we abhorred the mask at the beginning we seem to have got used to it now. Its a habit now to press lift buttons with my elbow, sanitize my hands after I touch anything, sit 6 feet from people if possible when indoors and the only time we see people without a mask is usually on Zoom! 

Lipsticks in my drawer are feeling as left out as the saris in my cupboard.... I am trying to give them hope even as a part of me likes being able to listen to lectures while sunning myself  with tea and peanuts! 

People are getting recruited via zoom, work online and have even got promoted without getting to meet anyone in their workplace in person! My cousin who is a software engineer had come to stay with his parents when I spoke to him. He said- my work and kid’s school is both online- I am not sure how long I will stay

I at once thought about the wife whose stay at in laws could not be cut short even on pretext of school as both dad and kids put head phones on and proceeded with their lives while reclining on the couch! 

Stay safe everyone and take the vaccine!

I am because we are

In the beginning of the lockdown, following the declaration of the Corona pandemic; one of my friends who is an ex colleague, the same age as me said-"Well, we don't remember the wars, do we?This will be something we can talk about to our grandkids!"

Of course my dear friend is very evolved and enlivens the Advait (non dual) Hindu philosophy that the world is an illusion, which is to be enjoyed without attachment and involvement. Shakespeare too said- All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts...

Many spiritual teachers and even mindfulness exercises encourage us to become witnesses or observers enjoying the play being enacted in our waking lives. The problem is that our bodies, emotions and thoughts make us suffer because spirituality in turn also makes us empathetic towards all.

So then how and why did we land in this situation? For many years now we have been debating and discussing global wealth inequalities, ethical issues regarding our food consumption giving rise to veganism, the menace of plastic in our oceans, the melting glaciers, the callous expansion of metropolises,  the rich getting richer, consumerism (alcoholism in recent times in India) dictating policymakers....yet like the teen environmentalist Greta Thunberg rued-its all talk, no action whatsoever. Is it really true that nature the all knowing healer realised we weren't very good at getting our act together and decided to intervene?

Well no scientist can really explain all the phenomenon in our bodies and in the environment. We haven't been able to create a robot to counter the most violent species on the planet- the humans.  If we were asked to run the world phenomena for one day, namely the human physiology, the weather and geothermal systems, the flora, the fauna, the migratory birds, the salmon searching bears, the singing dolphins, the insect eating plants, the beach hatching sea turtles... the world would come to a grinding halt. We would be left begging for nature to carry on, yet we have trouble accepting that there is a superior intelligence at work running  our ecosystems and more importantly we have trouble respecting it to ensure we have water, sun and other survival kit items for ourselves and for the future generations.

Should we pin our hope on Governments who sell poison (alcohol) to pay salaries to people, work for corporations (since ages as described in William Dalrymple's Anarchy) to stay on their thrones, sacrifice precious lives in wars and in pandemics for their own vested interests.

Farmers in India have been made to spend on fertilisers and pesticides which has destroyed the land and left no profit margins in an already weather jeopardised occupation of agriculture causing the mass exodus of migrants to the slums in the metro cities. Today they are longing for their villages where they could grow and consume their food and not depend on a heartless urban populace for empathy, food, health and dignity in a time like this.

I hope people realise the African indigenous Philosophy of Ubuntu- I am because we are. Most religions and humanist philosophies encourage us to think of ourselves as a part of the whole, incomplete without everyone else. We cannot lock ourselves in buildings, compounds, posh neighbourhoods while ghettos, overcrowded slums, unsafe housing exists in the vicinity because when virus strikes it doesn't see the manmade boundaries, when lockdown happens we realise how interdependent we are. But hardest hit are the disadvantaged, the people who believed they had nothing to lose.

We cannot build indiscriminately, produce to kill competition and fish all life out of the seas with massive nets and then not expect the wildlife to appear on our lawn and the wild viruses on our table. We cannot let alcohol be cheaper than water, have recreational drugs available outside the school, allow porn to be available freely, make a multimillion dollar business out of shooting games and then expect our children to be able to be in touch with their divinity within, have meaningful relationships, not need antidepressants, not commit crimes and save the world.

Political will is needed for a lot of these things but why hasn't all the public school and Ivy league education got us out of this mess? In fact they have been responsible for it. 0.8% population control 48% of world wealth. Will school strikes finally see some action?

Milan, a city in Italy which saw the worst of the pandemic is building cycle tracks, rebuilding with a different aspiration. May be things will change. Hope is something each of us can have, irrespective of our circumstances.

Eight below!

Three of my husband's batchmates from Medical College (basically people who have known him longer than I have) and their wives, eight of us in total, decided to go on holiday together. Even though I was quite keen on the idea since I knew all of them for a large part of my living memory, two weeks seemed really long and New Zealand seemed really far! I soon discovered I wasn't wrong about the distance. I had never imagined the flight time from Singapore to Auckland would be ten hours!!!

I feel less guilty about my carbon footprint after Corona decided to press the pause button on the world- shutting airlines, flights and cruises. I hope some glaciers have decided to melt next week as a result and some smogs in cities have cleared. Apparently the canals of Venice have cleared and are housing fishes again.

Ours was a package holiday with a fixed itinerary. However the eight of us were picked up and shown around in a 10-12 seater van with an Indian driver in every city, which was great! Being able to interact with local young Indians was a big plus for us, uncles and aunties. 

One of them used to receive a lot of calls on his phone which used to be on speaker in the van. Once a friend of his wanted to know (in Punjabi naturally) the name of the tablets he had given him so that the he could inform his GP. Our driver was suddenly in a spot, knowing seven of us in the van were doctors listening intently to what he was going to say. He quickly shut his friend up telling him in no uncertain terms that he is not to tell his doctor anything about the tablets he gave him. We reassured him later that the antihistaminic tablets he generously gave his friend suffering from a cold are available over the counter. 

We were soon witness to another call where clearly a solicitor or someone as important was talking about drawing up papers. Poor guy had no privacy. We were all very happy for him though when he said he was in the process of buying a home! All of us with young adult progeny, ready to dive out into the world, were blessing him and his family for what seemed like an important milestone to achieve in a foreign land.
Another of our younger drivers made a gesture of "pairi pona" or touching our feet when I tried to give him a farewell hug! Guess it serves me right...I could have just shook hands, we had no idea Corona was already raising its hood ready to strike.

New Zealand has the area of the United Kingdom with less than a tenth of the population, a third of which reside in Auckland. The people are very friendly, very accepting. Ordinary people went out of the way to wave at us, talk to us about Virat Kohli and photobomb our selfies! They have had their share of debates historically like America, Canada, Australia but most of the history of native Maori people and European settlers has been peaceful with treaties to ensure Maori gained business contracts and their culture has seen revival since the 1960s. The language, culture, handicrafts and most importantly their way of life where they took from the land only what they needed. They apologised to the forest when they cut a tree!

Auckland is nice but the rest of New Zealand is beautiful with mountains, lakes, glaciers, beaches, volcanos and hot springs. The major industry though is agriculture hence driving around we saw lots and lots of sheep, cows and occasional packs of deer (New Zealand lamb and venison are renowned) grazing or resting in these large sized livestock or dairy farms. Manuka Honey a local product which seemed an essential souvenier to take home, advertised as a medicinal solution to all problems is the honey made from a single flower's nectar and causes quite a dent on your pocket when you start looking to buy.

New Zealand wants to preserve its unique flora and fauna to ensure the nature's bounty is not exploited. There is a long list of things you cannot carry into the country lest you introduce something which may change things. Surprisingly New Zealand till date has no snakes! You are not even allowed to feed ducks most places or are asked to buy duck food. There are notices everywhere making you aware of the Tiaki Promise which is a commitment instilled from a young age to help protect New Zealand-the land, sea and culture, now and in future. It has an impact I believe since even the crowded touristy places seemed to respect the promise.

We started out in the North Island from Auckland driving through to Lake Taupo and Rotorua from where we took the flight to South Island to the prettiest city, very aptly named in my feminist view, Queenstown. We then went to Mount Cook and finished in Christchurch to take our flight back. 

Contrary to my expectations the whole holiday was irrepressibly wonderful. Knowing people for a quarter of century ensures conversation never stalls, there is never any dearth of inside jokes, pulling each other's legs is easy and generally lot of energy is saved when there are no grumpy young adults or squabbling ones to contend with. (No thats not true, I did miss my children hoping they would one day marvel at the glow worms while boating in the dark on underground rivers in silence, the cathedral like limestone caves, the geysers and the glaciers like I did and also wondered whether they too would have enjoyed the jet boat ride as much as I did) 

There were adjustments to be made though. I never seemed to believe it was worth my time to look around shops while others had to be dragged out of them if we were short of time. There were some of us who were amongst the oldest but suffered from the teenage affliction of FOMO- fear of missing out. They were willing to climb to the bottom of the earth and the top of the mountain, remain awake through four hour car journeys and look for onions in a resort village, just in case... just in case they were to miss out on experiences which definitely are in my view more precious than belongings. 

Then there was food. Some of us wanted to taste everything which google said we should try while others mostly vegetarians were happier with Indian food. I know there are  those who believe if you are killing, it doesn't matter which animal you kill to satisfy your gastric juices but some in the group were the chicken lamb fish variety, others who additionally had no problems with pork and bacon and then there was me- the piscetarian, then the vegetarians who ate egg and then there was a Jain menu person too in the group! Ice creams saved the day as they were a favourite with all! The most famous one Hokey Pokey is made of honey comb toffee and vanilla apparently . Thank God for all the activity, the carbs were used up very well. 

We had some nice get togethers in our hotel rooms with Indian snacks, ready to eat Indian meals, takeaways, New Zealand wines and of course you can't imagine middle aged male Indian doctors without whisky can you? We did have teetotallers who were asked strictly not to refuse the 10 millilitres of wine which is offered on the winery tours, to make us all believe we were being given entry into the elite class of people who would not feel out of place in the drawing rooms of the classy people swirling their glasses. Having said that after three wineries and a mix of red, white, oaked and fermented......I was happily passing mine on to those eager not to let the free dose go waste. 

Another welcome and interesting observation on this holiday was how much control the women enjoy past the age of fifty! Marriage is a unique phenomenon where the sooner you realise that you cannot be happy if your wife isn't, the better it is for the marriage.  The wives, let me clarify have done their bit of trying to please all and sundry and are now the Queens! Obviously some of our friends have been married for thirty years. Watching them maintain the balance and equilibrium while each spouse with years of experience rocked the boat occasionally, knowingly or unwittingly or just for fun knowing exactly when to stop, safe in the knowledge that the boat rather ship would not change course easily; was fun.

I wish we could go on more holidays like these though I do think we are more likely to meet at weddings and one on ones rather than all eight of us in a van taking a road trip!

Kolkata Durga Puja

My husband's hometown is Jabalpur  and as a result I have experienced festivals which I had never heard of before. Naag panchami where snake charmers play music from the gourd bugle and deftly handle their snakes, for a few rupees.Holika where the idols are displayed all around town the day before Holi. Holika being a villain in Hindu mythology, is liberally dressed in a bikini, with shades and a hat, in jeans, may be selling vegetables dressed in a tribal sari while sitting on a wood trolley/thela or other such creatively imaginative postures and costumes.

My husband appreciates, creates art and as a young person growing up in Jabalpur, he actively participated in all festivals by creating Ganpati, Durga Puja pandals and decorating the Tajia on Muharram. Hence he was very interested in seeing the Kolkata Durga Puja. I had heard about the crowds one encounters during Pandal hopping, hence I contacted my brother's friend and classmate who is a Senior Police Officer posted in Kolkata. I sure am glad I did.

We reached 4am early morning on Shashti but the streets were already lit up, Devi ma was adorning the pandals, young people on foot or bikes were roaming the streets; roadside eateries were serving food. I was told that instead of being a 4 day festival it had become a ten day one. Apparently there is also a Puja carnival which has been happening for past 2 years (I am guessing since right wing politics seemed to become popular) where the best Durga idols are floated past the dignitaries sitting on suitable temporary structure on roadside making sure they are seen on television, flagging them past. Politics and business/industry have to work synergistically to keep everyone happy. The commercial value of the ten day festival is clearly visible. Every few hundred metres there is a Puja Pandal, complete with beautiful lights and decorations, patrons, advertisements, stalls selling food, jewellery, toys and the expenditure incurred for the temporary structures which are on show for a short period of time is as spectacular as the Pujo itself.

We were asked to come to Tolly club that evening at 5.30 pm, from where we were supposed to go pandal hopping with the top cop. We reached the meeting place to realise there was a stage at the end of the room from where an official was laying out routes of Durga Puja pandals which were going to be assessed by "judges," esteemed men and women from all walks of life including diplomats, dancers, theatre personalities, journalists etc who had been divided into groups to be able to cover the vast city with the innumerable Pujo Pandals. We were going to gate crash the group headed by Mr Vivek Sahay, ADG Traffic. There seemed to be few actual named judges but a substantial tail of tag alongs like us who made up a convoy of 7-8 cars which were instructed to dedicatedly tail each other to ensure we did not lose time getting lost in traffic. We were following the  ADG's car which had an easily identifiable sign near the licence plate- 3 stars! This was promising to be an interesting evening. We were soon feeling like celebrities as our convoy was given way by traffic policemen  on busy roads and closer to our destinations, by the organisers of the Pujo being judged. As we got out of the cars looking like busy teachers needing to finish our assignment of assessing the Pujo, the crowds were barricaded at the entrance and held until we went inside and had our five minutes of looking around, experiencing the amalgamation of art, music, tradition, religion and intellectual expression in an empty pandal. One of the organisers would explain the theme to us while others would show the judges practical things like fire escapes, water source, municipal permission etc. Then we would request them to let the public in and would leave mostly quite overwhelmed by the themes, decorations and Ma Durga. Apparently Art students conceive the ideas for each project and build it from scratch to see their ideas conceptualise and come alive. Its a tremendous effort and herculean task but the honesty of the dedication comes through.

One of the Pandals was shaped like a ship, had the sound of crashing waves as one walked in while the Titanic music played on the inside for Ma Durga. Next one we went to had a respect for all religions as the theme and hence had Ma Durga in a Buddha pose (we saw another pagoda shaped pandal replete with Buddha, the revolving drums and dragons) with all the walls covered artistically in cut out symbols of the three main religions the Aum, the Cross and the Crescent Moon. It also had a sculpture of three babies tied together with a national flag lying in front of the Devi Ma. There was one with a war and world without borders theme which had a make believe aeroplane and paratroopers on the outside, walls full of photographs from the partition/1971 war. They had displays of all passports and other symbolic messages coming alive through their creativity all in presence of Ma Durga. I read later that one Puja Pandal, a replica of Harminder Sahib a sikh Gurudwara was termed blasphemous. I saw so many beautiful replica's of palaces, temples etc even I wondered if some day someone would take the liberty of making the Taj Mahal for instance and whether that would be considered blasphemous. Another pandal had a traditional Ma Durga in the centre but had pictures of iconic women on the sides which would change for instance every few seconds from looking like Mother Teresa to Ma Durga. It was very clever, tastefully done and beautiful.

The intellectual level of the Bengali Bhadralok creating the themes and pandals was making us awestruck even as we saw the thousands of ordinary people walking patiently, thronging the numerous pandals without any pushing, jostling, groping, pickpocketing. Kolkata has always held a special place in my heart and it  raises the bar every time I visit it. Jai Ma Durga.

There were incredible displays of lights on gateways to the Puja Pandals. There were sculptures covered in lights some of them actually robotically moving ducks and Warring Gods or vertical cutouts outlining  birds, animals, people which were live in their displays. We wondered if they were made in China but were told they came from Burdwan!

Pandals as high as multistoried buildings, covered on outside with jute cots or having a live robotic electrically operated model made of colourful threads artistically displayed, or having the replica of Sanchi Stupa gateway as halo to the Goddess, a pandal looking like a giant metal vessel with beautiful engravings, threads with bells at the end around the walls, rising smoke, visual depiction in 3D art of a poem about Radha Krishna, meditative music accompanying a light display which takes you deeper into the pandal, Devi ma in different avatars...there was no dearth of creative ideas. One pandal had an underwater theme with fishes, jelly fishes, shells etc and most importantly had Ma Durga looking like she was diving with her sari and hair tousled in one direction. That Devi ma so real, so modern yet so beautiful and awe inspiring, she was my favourite.

We went to the one where there were CCTV cameras and police presence due to the real gold jewellery that Ma Durga was wearing but to me the love of art and intellectual expression mattered more than whether the jewellery was real or not. I am a complete bore where such things are concerned. I don't see or remember jewellery, cannot tell real and designer from fake and street brand. Everything expensive is wasted on me as was a lot of the art which my husband was devouring like a hungry student.

Then we went to Belur Math. There I realised where the idea of having all religion motifs in a building came from. Belur Math the monastery founded by the young Swami Vivekananda, which is the headquarters  of the Ramakrishna Mission an organisation who believes in serving all people irrespective of caste, religion or race has Christian, Buddhist, Muslim and Hindu motifs in its architecture. It also has a huge painting outside of Sri Ramakrishna Paramhans saying- However many views, as many paths in English, Bangla and Hindi. Joto mot, toto poth.

Belur Math's Durga Puja is an antithesis to the light sound action, art glamour beauty of Kolkata. Ma Durga was modestly decorated, the puja with the Sanskrit mantras was on the public address system, people were asked to open their shoes, switch off mobiles and separate spaces were organised for men and women to sit and feel the peace in the atmosphere. I wish I could go back there again.

I managed to perform the Pushpanjali (flower offering to the Goddess) on Ashtami like we used to when we were children and my parents were around; in the Avni society's Barir Pujo. Apparently the smaller scale housing societies and home Pujos too have a competition within Barir Pujo or Home Pujo. It was great to be able to see and feel the presence of Ma Durga around me in the magnificently converted parking area. Initially I did not realise that the red bricks, the bay windows were not real and part of the Puja Pandal. Of course I had my ever discerning hubby by my side. We had luchi aloo too.

Final stop before we took the train from Kolkata was Bhog (food offered to the Gods) at our host's friend's place. It was a big mansion housing a big joint business family, with a beautiful Ma Durga whose idol was smaller in size but made up in beauty and sophistication. Though I must say I found two kids, cousin brothers dressed in black kurtas and Bengal Handloom dhotis looking  the most dapper. The actual Bhog was delicious and special like all food served at religious ceremonies and out of temples and Gurudwaras. But that was followed by Bengali vegetarian and non vegetarian food including the traditional fish preparation served to us in a sit down lunch exclusively catered by the famous chain specialising in Bengali food, founded in 2003; 6, Ballygunge Place. I still savour the taste. Last time I experienced this lovingly served sequential fare while sitting down in rows in batches was when I was in high school in Asansol and attended weddings. I hope in times to come we will be able to capture videos of the flavours and aromas.

For now it the whole experience is locked in my soul and this is a small effort to share my pleasure.