I remember meeting a young politician, when participating in protests as a medical student against Caste reservations in jobs in India, when Mandal Commission was implemented in 1990. He had explained to me that even he had felt this idealistic fervor against caste divisions in society, when he had been in college, since we don't tend to encounter the impact of caste in our student lives. But he warned that I should wait till I am thinking about getting married.
I remember thinking about him when my parents started looking at matrimonials in the newspapers for me. Pages of national newspapers were dedicated to parents seeking brides and grooms in classified sections of various castes (mostly upper, methinks) looking for fair, beautiful and homely (my daughter recently asked me qualify what this meant) brides or handsome, smart doctors or engineers.
However, I realized soon enough that my ability to do deliveries and abortions for private nursing homes manned by families of doctors meant that my dark skin and backward caste could be overlooked. Now when I am thinking about my daughter's prospective partners, my prejudices are revealed as much as the realization that nothing has actually changed in the marriage market.
People nowadays don't actually mention fair or wheatish complexion (which is progress in my view) but they are still governed by the same prejudices. Caste is mentioned in majority of the profiles with Brahmins wanting Brahmins and Kayasths and Baniyas wanting same caste matches.
I am painfully aware of how I would swipe right or left depending on the qualifications, looks, institutions of the prospective grooms; even though I pride myself on imbibing the message of Geeta which talks about knowing that the background essence and flame of life is the same in everyone.
Its not like I have not grown up in the intervening years. A lot of credit goes to living and working with all races, colors in the course of my working and living around the globe. But most of all my prejudices in favor of fairer skin and views conforming to the stereotypes against races have been called out by my children and they have truly been the guiding light in letting go of my racist views and anxieties.
I should know better than my children that people sitting in big houses and belonging to upper castes or classes don't necessarily have big hearts which believe in empathy and inclusiveness. I should know better than them that the most successful matches and marriages happen in spite of mismatched looks, occupations, interests, social class, color, community.
Colleagues in UK would be very surprised that most of us Indian doctors are married to doctors. I remember how surprised I was (though hopefully I hid it very well) when I learnt that one of my ambitious lady colleagues in 1999, who had three children, had a partner who did not have a regular job. It actually worked very well for them because of the flexibility he could afford, to pitch in with child care, while doing odd jobs. If only people (I am including myself over here) would stop worrying about how it looks to others and concentrate on their own mental stability, we would be fine.
Most societies are classist but Indian society is openly and blatantly so. Nobody thinks twice about being openly demeaning of accents, countenance which doesn't conform to the upper class English medium school upbringing. Posh public school accents are celebrated in UK too but people take pride in queuing up and not throwing their weight around. Unlike in India, where people love name dropping and getting their way.
I remember being surprised initially when I started working in the UK, when I met or got to know AfroCarribean women who were beautiful. This whole fair is beautiful is so ingrained in our subcontinental psyches that I ended up having a girl crush on the first Afro Caribbean Registrars I worked for. But then she was actually so tall, calm and lovely.
The world today is more divided than ever but one has to have hope that the younger generation will hopefully create a more unified world for the future. Until then I will work on myself, let go of distorted dynamics which have been a part of my past and not let that impact on my anxieties for the future.
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