Quietly Quitting

 Being a parent has never been easy and being a parent to young adults entering the job market, is turning out to be quite a milestone too. 

In recent times, I have heard my kids and others too, voice concerns about whether they are going to enjoy their work in future, whether this is what they would like to do for the rest of their life, whether they should try out/research other avenues...this after spending half a decade learning how to be a professional in one field. I have also seen them being worried about committing to a two year contract at the ripe old age of twenty one!(They would have to pay back training cost if they quit) 

Considering that these kids from the Siri/Alexa/Zomato generation (they can pretty much hear any song, binge watch a whole series online whenever they want to) I am not surprised that they have worries about life not turning out as they would have liked it to. They also have "FOMO" Fear of Missing Out! 

Like everything else, there is a word for the impact these dilemmas are having on the youngsters. Have you heard of "The great resignation" or "quiet quitting"? These are terms being hotly debated nowadays. 

Apparently young employees nowadays are drawing the line. The aspiration to "go the extra mile" has been turned into an aspiration to have work life balance. So people are saying no to overtime without compensation and no to additional responsibilities without promotion. I am guessing they are able to do that because they can (!?) find another job!

Life has always been relative- Remember the famous experiment where most people were happier with 10,000 bucks, if it was a little more than everyone else, rather than receiving 30,000 which in absolute terms was more but in this case, it was the same as everyone else.

This has always been true. Grass has always been greener on the other side. What some one else ordered in the restaurant always looks tastier.  However consumerism & international travel with people's lives being lived in full public vision on social media; is taking on gigantic proportions. This can make a 25 year old who has already travelled five continents, is driving his/her own car, who is debating investments; think of alternate career paths just in case they feel trapped in their profession in future years! 

Cliched as much as it sounds, back in the "good old days" the people who we looked up to, used to be the ones who were committed to their profession, the experiences we used to look for included something which enhanced our skills and knowledge but I think our kids are looking at their seniors and wondering what sort of work life balance do they have. They are putting themselves in their shoes and thinking do I want to be doing this when I am your age? 

The reasons for this "quite quitting", quoted in the article I read, were many- like lack of recognition, low pay, too much work etc but like most doctors I do think the MBA or managerial culture has a lot to do with it. Lack of transparency, pitching employees against one another, making them compete for that illusive promotion, not giving credit where it is due and generally making the workplace a place to justify their job by spinning numbers rather than doing what it takes to allow every employee to be able to access the resources to do their job and reach their potential is pretty much the job description of managers with a toxic company culture.  

On the other hand there are leaders like Dr Naresh Trehan who can get a whole gamut of super specialists to follow him out of hospitals to create a group providing cardiac surgery services to a city, just because he commanded that respect & following. His leadership style meant he was involved, would support doctors when they needed it most- getting school admissions in Delhi for instance (more difficult than getting into University). For my husband that time was when my father in law was suffering from cancer and he had to keep going to Jabalpur to look after him. Dr Trehan did not call into question the number of leave but then Ajay had gone many extra miles for Escorts. Most institutions don’t acknowledge or remember the extra effort! 

Other words being bandied about today are burnout, well being, boundaries etc. In my experience there is nothing which makes a person enjoy their job more than the feeling of being valued and appreciated by their colleagues. This doesn't come from any awards or stars, just comes from genuine face to face interactions which include smiles, nods, hand shakes, chats and follow up on feedback received regarding the barriers faced by the employees in not being able to do their job well. 

On NHS for instance it is simple things like access to parking after paying for it (Wow), enough staff, access to equipment, ability to plan leave... its not much, but the service employs managers to give well being sessions, monitor attendance and create yet another meaningless tick box exercise while causing a further plunge in staff morale! While other industries are providing perks to attract talent, NHS is making sure everyone leaves their shores!

We too left our countries in search of new experiences. In Delhi if my colleague was sick I would cover the shift and get paid the same every month. I was quite surprised when I reached England that we would be paid locum pay! My husband said his colleagues and him would pool money to pay the cleaner in Medical College Hospital Jabalpur, to keep the toilets clean in the ward they were working just because they felt an ownership for it! Obviously our problems are from another planet in our kids' eyes. 

Since the non medic youngsters nowadays are studying, working, playing online; I am worried that they underestimate the value of face to face interactions. Forget going up to a stranger or even an acquaintance to talk to them, they have reservations about calling their own friends! I texted him! Somehow those boundaries become more important than instant gratification at this point! 

I think this move towards online interactions rather than face to face is contributing to burnout, loneliness, depression, substance abuse! We need to rethink zoom interactions and gym memberships and think honesty, sincerity, integrity (such old fashioned words) and chats over lunch! 

Life is unfair and unpredictable but finally it is about enjoying what you have (think mindfulness in day to day life) while getting what you want!* 

*'How to get what you want and want what you have' was a book by John Gray which had a huge impact on me in 1999 when I had my foreign degree, Registrar post, marriage, baby and was beginning to feel like "quietly quitting"!!!

Divisions and prejudice

I remember meeting a young politician, when participating in protests as a medical student against Caste reservations in jobs in India, when Mandal Commission was implemented in 1990. He had explained to me that even he had felt this idealistic fervor against caste divisions in society, when he had been in college, since we don't tend to encounter the impact of caste in our student lives. But he warned that I should wait till I am thinking about getting married. 

I remember thinking about him when my parents started looking at matrimonials in the newspapers for me. Pages of national newspapers were dedicated to parents seeking brides and grooms in classified sections of various castes (mostly upper, methinks) looking for fair, beautiful and homely (my daughter recently asked me qualify what this meant) brides or handsome, smart doctors or engineers. 

However, I realized soon enough that my ability to do deliveries and abortions for private nursing homes manned by families of doctors meant that my dark skin and backward caste could be overlooked. Now when I am thinking about my daughter's prospective partners, my prejudices are revealed as much as the realization that nothing has actually changed in the marriage market. 

People nowadays don't actually mention fair or wheatish complexion (which is progress in my view) but they are still governed by the same prejudices. Caste is mentioned in majority of the profiles with Brahmins wanting Brahmins and Kayasths and Baniyas wanting same caste matches. 

I am painfully aware of how I would swipe right or left depending on the qualifications, looks, institutions of the prospective grooms; even though I pride myself on imbibing the message of Geeta which talks about knowing that the background essence and flame of life is the same in everyone.  

Its not like I have not grown up in the intervening years. A lot of credit goes to living and working with all races, colors in the course of my working and living around the globe. But most of all my prejudices in favor of fairer skin and views conforming to the stereotypes against races have been called out by my children and they have truly been the guiding light in letting go of my racist views and anxieties. 

I should know better than my children that people sitting in big houses and belonging to upper castes or classes don't necessarily have big hearts which believe in empathy and inclusiveness. I should know better than them that the most successful matches and marriages happen in spite of mismatched looks, occupations, interests, social class, color, community. 

Colleagues in UK would be very surprised that most of us Indian doctors are married to doctors. I remember how surprised I was (though hopefully I hid it very well) when I learnt that one of my ambitious lady colleagues in 1999, who had three children, had a partner who did not have a regular job. It  actually worked very well for them because of the flexibility he could afford, to pitch in with child care, while doing odd jobs. If only people (I am including myself over here) would stop worrying about how it looks to others and concentrate on their own mental stability, we would be fine. 

Most societies are classist but Indian society is openly and blatantly so. Nobody thinks twice about being openly demeaning of accents, countenance which doesn't conform to the upper class English medium school upbringing. Posh public school accents are celebrated in UK too but people take pride in queuing up and not throwing their weight around. Unlike in India, where people love name dropping and getting their way. 

I remember being surprised initially when I started working in the UK, when I met or got to know AfroCarribean women who were beautiful. This whole fair is beautiful is so ingrained in our subcontinental psyches that I ended up having a girl crush on the first Afro Caribbean Registrars I worked for. But then she was actually so tall, calm and lovely. 

The world today is more divided than ever but one has to have hope that the younger generation will hopefully create a more unified world for the future. Until then I will work on myself, let go of distorted dynamics which have been a part of my past and not let that impact on my anxieties for the future.