Land of the Cholas

Ajay and I went on a pilgrimage around Tamil Nadu this January. We flew in to Chennai, drove to Mahabalipuram and then Puducherry. We then proceeded to visit the temple towns of Chidambaram, Thanjavur, Madurai, Rameshwaram and Tiruchirapalli. We flew back from Trichy (short for Tiruchirapalli) Visiting the monuments and temples transported us into another world which enlightened and enriched us and also instilled a sense of pride in our heritage, while ruing the fact that the temples which are artistic and technological marvels documenting history, complete with stone inscriptions and palm leaf manuscripts in Tamil; have not been made more popular. 

We started our journey in Mahabalipuram with the temples and stone carvings in granite by the Pallavas from the 8th century. These are not actually places of worship today but they definitely set the tone for the trip. They displayed established principles of building stone temples by the interlocking technique without plaster or adhesive. This technique of interlocking has stood the test of time for all the various stone temples which were built (and a lot of them rebuilt after Islamic invasions which looted and destroyed them) from 10th to 16th centuries in the state. 

The 2004 Tsunami has exposed some more temples of the same era but the existing Shore temple and other monuments in Mahabalipuram now known as Mamallapuram, have been left intact. There are rock carvings (of mythological tales we have all grown up with, like Bhagwan Krishna carrying the Govardhan Parvat/mountain), which are beautiful, even though the detail has suffered damage from the wear and tear of centuries. The shapes, expressions, movement and grace in the statues and carved edifices is amazing. 

Next stop we stayed at the Promenade in Puducherry and experienced the French influence in food, architecture and culture. The French left only in 1954 but there are still few thousand French nationals who opted to living in India. Thanks to the kindness of friends in high places, we managed to visit and meditate in the Matri Mandir at Auroville. Matri Mandir is a huge iconic structure which took 37 years to complete. Auroville itself is a township established in 1968 and has been built according to The Mother's vision and prides itself on its socialistic, inclusive and sustainable  principles. For instance people pay money to build and stay in Auroville but it remains Auroville's property.

After an introductory video about Auroville, we were led to the shade of a large banyan tree where we were all asked to start our journey in silence. We then made our way in a staggered way to sit in silence around an artificial lotus pond at the bottom of the the Matri Mandir and  then to the top where we meditated in the spherical building around a crystal ball which has mirrors focussing the sun rays on to it and down into the crystal ball in the centre of the Lotus pond.  It was a beautiful experience. We also visited the Aurobindo Ashram and bought some books by Sri Aurobindo. 

Sri Aurobindo was an ICS from Cambridge who was imprisoned by the British because of his revolutionary nationalistic journalism. He then became spiritually inclined and settled in Puducherry developing his yoga and meditation techniques. In 1926, he founded the Aurobindo Ashram with a French lady who was his spiritual collaborator, who is now simply known as The Mother, who ran the Ashram for him. Auroville was established by The Mother, eighteen years after Sri Aurobindo's death. We bought incense, candles etc from their shop which sells the products from small scale industries which flourish in Auroville.

 

As we drove out of Puducherry, the sprawling city of garbage heaps gave way to beautiful green paddy fields, tall swaying coconut trees and roads with heaps of paddy being loaded on to trucks or just waiting for the rice mill  trucks.  Chidambaram has a large lake and is the rice bowl of Tamil Nadu. We stayed for a night at a landlord's house which has been converted into a fine hotel which allows you to experience village life with modern facilities. Since its in the middle of nowhere they called up to check how many meals were required and proceeded to serve us a multiple course vegetarian meal on a banana leaf! It was the tastiest meal ever served lovingly, cooked fresh from fresh ingredients. The property is full of antique furniture, Thanjavur paintings, artefacts and the layout reminded me of our village earthen house in Bihar. One of the best things was that unlike the city hotels, the windows could be left open in the night with the net window shut in place to keep out insects and mosquitoes (yes they deserve their own place in the nuisance making cult). The property has a real lotus pond, an open air mini theatre and a conference hall/party hall apart form a horse carriage and charpoys sitting outside the sloped roof facade, to enhance the rustic decor.

Next morning we visited the Nataraj temple in Chidambaram. Being the first temple we visited, it has left a huge impression on us. There is huge stone gateway with 108 Bharat Natyam positions carved in it. The legend depicted in the statues is that Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvati participated in a dance competition with Lord Vishnu as the judge. Lord Shiva won when he picked up his earring which had fallen to the ground with his foot and put it back on his ear. Since this kind of a position would not have been possible for a lady in view of modesty, Lord Shiva’s win did not seem fair and Goddess Parvati retreated to her abode, which is another temple dedicated to the angry form of the Goddess Shakti. (I have recently learnt that Mitochondrial DNA can only be inherited from the mother, mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell, i.e Shakti)

Visiting the temples and listening to the legends and history made one appreciate the various dynasties which ruled South India. In my humble opinion, the artistic excellence, technological and engineering marvels reached towering heights (quite literally) under the Cholas. The patronage of the most talented people happened around the 10th century under Rajaraja Chola 1 and continued until the 13th century under his successors. I seem to have visited the places they impacted namely Singapore, Thailand, Cambodia, before I actually saw what remains of the original splendor of their reign in Tamil Nadu, India. 

Contrary to what we may believe, Islamic invaders destroyed and looted temples in the South too. The most notorious seems to be Malik Kafur, Ala Uddin Khilji's gay general who destroyed a lot of the temples which were rebuilt by the later Tamil dynasties and some additions were done by the Marathas namely the Nayaks who ruled Thanjavur. But the major rebuilding of a very high standard was done by the rulers of Vijaynagar Empire of Hampi in the 16th century namely Krishna Deva Raya and Acchyuta Deva Raya.

We also visited a dam on the river Kaveri, which was upgraded by the British in the 19th century and is still functional near Trichy. This dam was constructed by the Cholas in the 2nd century. The dates of the dam, temples etc have been corroborated through mentions in sources like Tamil literature from earlier centuries as well as written accounts of visitors apart from the numerous inscriptions still present in the temples as well as the Palm leaf manuscripts being deciphered. 

 

The temples all have specific legends, stories, magnificent carvings but all have a black granite stone carved base of walls, pillars, gates, courtyards which is of a height of around 40 feet and the upper portion which makes the height of the temples or Gopurams between 100-200 feet in total, uses other material to sculpt more added detail to the stone carvings. All gopurams/gates and entrances have dwarpals (guards) which usually look menacing enough to create a fear quotient but interestingly Goddesses like Ma Parvati or Ma Lakshmi have female dwarpals and the Gods Lord Shiva, Lord Vishnu, Gods Ganesh and Karthik have male dwarpals. Its all very logical and organized, 

The deities and stories from the scriptures are depicted in beautiful stone carvings all around the temple. There are life like statues of Meenakshi Sundareshwar wedding with Vishnu Bhagwan (Meenakshi/Parvati's brother) in attendance in the Meenakshi Temple of Madurai. The carvings and statues made me think that these must have had the impact which Page three today has on people. Celebrity weddings like this is probably what has made marriage popular in our culture. Till now it was a given that you had to get married, I wish it comes back into fashion after the Deepikas, Anoushkas and Alias popularize it like Meenakshi Sundareshwar temple did I am sure in that time.

Karthik Bhagwan is known as Murugan in South India and is very popular with many temples and festivals to his name. Apparently he is very handsome too. We lived with the bird known to be his vehicle, the peacock in the beautiful hilltop Taj Hotel in Madurai. Dozens of peacocks walk around the beautiful property which was originally developed by a British businessman in the 19th century. It boasts of huge trees, restaurant with a view of the city, open swimming pool and rooms spread out across the hill. 

Coming back to the temples, the top of the temple or shikhara used to contain seeds. I read that seeds if kept in airtight conditions can survive for 10-12 years. Every 12 years the seeds would be removed for plantation. Even today temples are repaired and painted every 12 years (just as the Kumbh mela happens every 12 years near the Ganga river in the North). Hence the colorful exteriors of the top half of the Gopurams, mandalas on floors and ceilings have been redone over centuries every 12 years. All temples still have functioning goshalas/cow shelters, some of them have large granaries.  All of them have stone carved pillared halls or manadapams for weddings, which still happen. 

Thanks to our quiet, well mannered driver who made me a fan of Tamil film music listening to his Ilyaraja playlist on repeat, he would proactively show us an extra ancient temple or two on the way to the next town. We visited Gangaikondum Cholapuram temple which is a smaller version of the beautiful Brihadeeshwara temple in Thanjavur, where we took permission to take pictures of a young couple getting married in one of the mandapams. We also witnessed the Sandal and milk Abhishek of the 12 feet tall Lingam. Since Lord Shiva has the most temples dedicated to him and Abhishekams happen regularly, all temples have cow shelters. 

The temples also have statues and shrines of the ancient scholars and sages like Patanjali. They were seats of learning as well as economic powerhouses as they encouraged agricultural practices (what with seed preservation, water management) and even today we saw evidence by way of lakes, dams, rice fields, Coconut and mango plantations. We have a lot to thank our ancestors for, as they created Bharat, which became known as the Sone ki chidiya or the Golden Bird.

Social media has had a lot to do with my decision to see the beauty and experience the power of the legendary temples of Tamil Nadu but it was also because of the very positive enriching experience I had had when I visited the Balaji temple at Tirupati. Having accompanied my religious mother to various temples in the north, Deoghar (now in Jharkhand)and Gaya being most chaotic, commercial and deflating; I was pleasantly surprised to see how organized, peaceful and energizing the experience in Tirupati was. Therefore I insisted on morning Darshan (viewing) in the temples as I hoped the crowds would be less and I would be able to experience the journey of entering the beautiful Gopurams to reach the inner sanctorum to be able to pray. One of the guides explained how the temple's layout is meant to ensure you treat it like your body, enter from the feet and make your way to the mind or the inner sanctorum. While you do that symbolically I guess you try to move away from identifying yourself as the body, walk with people from all walks of life and shed your ego and attachments to focus on the deity by the time you reach the inner sanctorum. No photography is allowed inside in the temples which makes sense but it means the best statues, carvings and architecture can sometimes not be showcased to the world, which is perhaps, just as well. 

I was not disappointed, the morning Darshan in the beautiful Brihadeeshwara temple and Meenakshi temples were beautiful experiences complete with drums, mantras, rituals, palanquins, aartis. There were opportunities to pay more for speed darshans but it was all above board with counters, queues and receipts. The temple in Rameshwaram is most popular with the North Indians probably because the legend speaks of Lord Ram worshipping Lord Shiva to atone the sin of killing Ravana who was a Brahmin. Apparently Sita Ma made a Shivling from sand which is the main shrine in the temple. The priests too probably have been infiltrated with North Indians (sorry for being presumptuous) because it was a very commercial experience in terms of demands for dakshina.

The longest corridor of pillared hall makes for a great photo opportunity but there are not so many carvings or statues like the other temples. 

Rameshwaram is a remote, underdeveloped town and for me its claim to fame is that Dr Abdul Kalam Azad came from Rameshwaram. We saw the Government school he attended and also went around his house which has his poems, books, awards and lots of photographs displayed. Such an inspiring soul, may our country be blessed with many like him. 

There are many temples pertaining to Lord Ram, Sita, Lakshman and Hanuman due to its importance in the epic Ramayana. Visiting them makes you wonder whether the story is history or whether it is fiction, since his journey can be traced to real places, bridges, flora, fauna. There is a place near the sea where according to the legend, Lord Ram worshipped the Navgrah (the nine celestial beings impacting us on earth- Moon, mercury, Venus, Mars, Sun, Jupiter, Saturn and Rahu & Ketu) to calm the sea to be able to go out to Lanka to rescue his wife. Even today one has to visit during low tide in the morning, which is when the stones are  revealed; placed exactly in the same geometrical setting we have all seen elliptical betel nuts being used to signify the nine celestial beings during worship in our homes. In the evenings the stones get covered by the sea in high tide. One is not sure how long those stones have been there, the barnacles are evidence they have been there for a significant amount of time. 

We visited Dhanushkodi, the island from where Sri Lanka is a mere 16 km. A newly built stretch of road has meant the little sandy beach and the rocks surrounded by the sea has become a tourist hot spot with two teams offering photoshoots complete with printouts on the spot! 

I sat on the rock and watched the waves and the fishes since nobody seemed interested in them. We offered to take family and group photos for those struggling with group and family selfies. I have been wondering what we used to do when we did not have smart phones... 

Our last stop was a Vishnu temple, Sri Ranganatha Swamy temple in Tiruchirappalli, which has a huge reclining statue of Bhagwan Vishnu and apparently has been mentioned in the Ramayana. The statues and carvings in the pillared Mandapam is different with horses and horse riders, a sign of the times since this was a temple rebuilt after destruction by Muslim invaders in 16th and 17th centuries. There is also a set of statues depicting the Dasavataar - Fish, turtle, boar… etc

I found myself looking for Shiva's bull the Nandi when I realized this was not a Shiva temple like the others. We visited a very beautiful Shiva temple the Jambukeshwara temple too in Trichy, which signifies Shiva in water form (like the Nataraj temple is in form of space) out of the five elements. This temple had a beautiful 12 Zodiac signs carving on its ceiling. Apparently from the 2nd century. Unbelievable artistry! 

I have been told I should have visited the Thiruvannamalai temple which according to legend is where Shiva is worshipped in the form of fire. Personally I hope to visit Hampi and Belur next. Hope I have inspired some of you to make this trip and see for yourselves evidence of our magnificent heritage in terms of development in Mathematics, Science, Economics, Art, Architecture, Music and dance. 

Vietnam with friends

 My husband and four of his batch mates from Jabalpur Medical College planned a holiday to Vietnam, with their wives in tow, since all of us are empty nesters now. We have all known each other for many years and having met each other at a wedding recently, we were all geared up for the fun in store. 

I am not sure if the men realize how much we women (I was going to write girls but realism took hold) tend to know about them. We have heard so many stories starting from college times-the love triangles, the personality clashes, the college trips going up to politics during reunions that we have our own versions of what happened, when we weren't around and thats because these stories have been repeated over the years bringing as much joy every time; for instance the time the group went to Kashmir. 

Two of the guys Ab and B (I think I am beginning to understand why they are friends, names alphabetically similar, roll numbers were close together) are sons of Professors of the same Medical College too and now a lot of them are the elite of Jabalpur and are a support system for our family in Jabalpur. 

I have studied in an all girls medical college and when we have get togethers we hardly ever involve spouses! I was inclined to think it was because wives are good at feeling at home in most circumstances unlike the men, who need looking after.  This was reiterated by A (a radiologist, who is owner director of a diagnostic centre in Kolkata) who was telling me about his wife's college reunion. D is from Kolkata Medical College (was a a posh K..hal Kaatta then) and the nearly 60 year old boys and girls are going to go on holiday sans spouses. A did not mince words when he said that its better this way because batch mates' husbands tend to feel left out, I am sure he wasn't talking about himself! 

Well, five of us wives had so much fun trying to record slow motion reels while sightseeing in beautiful locales that there was no question of any of us feeling left out. There was also D, who had acted like the catalyst whenever the pace of the organization of the trip had stalled. D was the mother hen, during the trip too and would make sure I was part of the reels and photos even when I wanted to stay out considering how megasize I looked, in comparison to the rest and also because I wanted to spend time behind the camera rather than in front. 

I thought I was a good photographer until the group of ladies humored me and let me record one of the slow motion (SLO MO) reels. It was D who diagnosed, much to my embarrassment that I had no idea you have hold the button for the whole sequence, unlike when you record a normal video. We all laughed and shared my abysmal efforts on the WhatsApp group. Well at least it was a great ice breaker! 

Apart from us five couples, the participant who was responsible for a major chunk of our enjoyment was the box like, blue tooth karaoke speaker with two mikes! We had a lot of singers in the group. B was the Kishore Kumar of the group and his wife S crooned some great ones too in her husky sexy voice which complemented her glamour girl looks and figure. Ab apparently never sang in college but wife N let out that he actually did because he sang for her soon after they got married! So we were still learning stuff about each other. Ab and N were singing like pros too while trouble shooting technical woes (Karaoke songs, phone batteries, charging of speakers...etc etc) It was fun and it usually meant we looked forward to two hour bus journeys! 

Vietnam is a country which has recently opened up more to tourism (we now have daily direct flights to Danang, Hoi Chi Minh and Hanoi from New Delhi) and even though one can see the fast pace of development in the cities, people are simple, dextrous, hardworking and unfortunately elderly women and men are earning from manual labour like rowing boats for tourists in Hoi An where they used round cane boats (created to evade tax from French colonisers), bamboo boats in the Mekong delta and at the Hanong bay. 

Having been a French colony, people are not comfortable with English. The Vietnamese language is actually a Austroasiatic language which was originally written in a script which involved Chinese characters but has been adopted during French rule to be written in Latin script. 

This meant we had to concentrate and sometimes struggled to understand the tourist guides. However our most popular, spontaneous, animated guide at Hanoi, Tai was great at his job. He took feedback from us regarding what we would like, modified times according to our needs like extra time for shopping and bargaining and went the extra mile for us even while being very thorough in insisting to see the tickets for flight timings! 

We landed in Danang and stayed in one of the prettiest cities, Hoi An. Since it was the first stop we thought we will wait and buy one of the beautiful lamps in the bigger cities but we didn't find the colours, shapes and varieties later. The other problem was the currency- Vietnamese Dong is a hugely undervalued currency. So trying to get our heads around prices was difficult. Everything even 100 grams of fruits cost 20,000 Dong! 

We started shopping when the smart local ladies in the Mekong delta tour started telling us the cost of the hand embroidered bags and other textiles, handicrafts in Rupees. Once we realized how cheap Vietnam was, there was no looking back. This trend reached a peak in Hanoi where we negotiated good bargains and the locals accepted cash in Rupees! We were taken to a Bamboo fibre place which was selling beautiful things and while we made Tai reassure us, that there will be no compulsion to buy ,we ended up buying loads. Similar thing happened  at a place which showcased the process as well as the hand made paintings from sea shells and egg shells on wood. 

Another thing which was cheap and which we ended up getting nearly every day was massages! People seemed to know exactly what to do to make you relax and enjoy and would want to know if you were coming back! 

The cruise at Hanong Bay (area comprising nearly 2000 islands) was in a ship with two groups of six Indians and most importantly a group of single Indian women, twelve in number, with a man tour manager who could be heard shouting in the dining hall- "who had two vodkas/three beers?" When we were asked if there were any smokers in the group of 35 people on the boat/ship, the hands of few women from that group went up. Our husbands suddenly felt they were on a college trip and had encountered a group of similar age girls on the cruise! B in particular was belting out melodious Bollywood numbers from the time we got on to the motor boat which was taking us to the big boat. He was also impressive with "Baar Baar din ye Aaye!" in the dining Hall when we found the group of some very beautiful young girls singing the birthday song for one of their own. 

Vietnam was destroyed during the American war and we went to the Chu Chi Tunnels, a 121km complex of underground tunnels with traps which was responsible for the Vietnamese winning the war and Americans losing domestic support for it. People are very emotional about this and this is one place where there is a blatantly Anti American documentary playing at the start of the tour. I wish people would pay heed and not continue to create similar situations elsewhere in the world. 

Everyone talks about the food in Vietnam. Some believe its very good, some are afraid you might be fed snakes but the usual problem for a group of Indians traveling together is - "Three eat chicken, mutton, fish, three eat only cheese and vegetables, seven eat eggs, five eat fish....." Like our Team Leader Ab admonished B- "You cannot tell them dietary requirements of 18 people for a group of ten!"

The vegetarians had carried a lot of reserve food- parathas, theplas, sweets etc and they were a grumpy lot when faced with vegetable soups and salads (noodles and sticky rice was a saviour). The non vegetarians were grumpy because the portions and servings were less as seven of us had been deemed vegetarians (I was the disruptive person who wanted to have the fish and egg but wouldn't have chicken) and this was a subsidized group tour. On retrospect and since Vietnam is cheap, may be we should have not had meals included in the package. The reserve food was devoured eagerly the days we were on the bus during meal times. Both N and Anu who are post holders in the Jabalpur Obs Gynae Society were the providers and Anu was aptly named Annapoorna! 

BK and Anu have a hospital and a farm house in and around Jabalpur, but the interesting conversations we heard about, were the ones Anu had with her rather large dog! BK sounded jealous when she told us the dog refuses to eat if she comes home late, unless she tells him in the morning that she is going to be late! Anu's innocence was endearing as was D's struggle while trying to understand jokes and conversations in Hindi!

BK Sir was our Guruji, encouraged us to listen and open up in conversation. With the singers vying for the mikes, it was an important and welcome break which helped us find out funny and not so funny things about each other. 

We are all suffering from a hangover after so much fun in such a short space of time. The friend whose daughter's wedding we met at and who did not come along, as he had been to Vietnam before; has already put in his OK for the next trip, whenever it may be! Until then Folks!

Quietly Quitting

 Being a parent has never been easy and being a parent to young adults entering the job market, is turning out to be quite a milestone too. 

In recent times, I have heard my kids and others too, voice concerns about whether they are going to enjoy their work in future, whether this is what they would like to do for the rest of their life, whether they should try out/research other avenues...this after spending half a decade learning how to be a professional in one field. I have also seen them being worried about committing to a two year contract at the ripe old age of twenty one!(They would have to pay back training cost if they quit) 

Considering that these kids from the Siri/Alexa/Zomato generation (they can pretty much hear any song, binge watch a whole series online whenever they want to) I am not surprised that they have worries about life not turning out as they would have liked it to. They also have "FOMO" Fear of Missing Out! 

Like everything else, there is a word for the impact these dilemmas are having on the youngsters. Have you heard of "The great resignation" or "quiet quitting"? These are terms being hotly debated nowadays. 

Apparently young employees nowadays are drawing the line. The aspiration to "go the extra mile" has been turned into an aspiration to have work life balance. So people are saying no to overtime without compensation and no to additional responsibilities without promotion. I am guessing they are able to do that because they can (!?) find another job!

Life has always been relative- Remember the famous experiment where most people were happier with 10,000 bucks, if it was a little more than everyone else, rather than receiving 30,000 which in absolute terms was more but in this case, it was the same as everyone else.

This has always been true. Grass has always been greener on the other side. What some one else ordered in the restaurant always looks tastier.  However consumerism & international travel with people's lives being lived in full public vision on social media; is taking on gigantic proportions. This can make a 25 year old who has already travelled five continents, is driving his/her own car, who is debating investments; think of alternate career paths just in case they feel trapped in their profession in future years! 

Cliched as much as it sounds, back in the "good old days" the people who we looked up to, used to be the ones who were committed to their profession, the experiences we used to look for included something which enhanced our skills and knowledge but I think our kids are looking at their seniors and wondering what sort of work life balance do they have. They are putting themselves in their shoes and thinking do I want to be doing this when I am your age? 

The reasons for this "quite quitting", quoted in the article I read, were many- like lack of recognition, low pay, too much work etc but like most doctors I do think the MBA or managerial culture has a lot to do with it. Lack of transparency, pitching employees against one another, making them compete for that illusive promotion, not giving credit where it is due and generally making the workplace a place to justify their job by spinning numbers rather than doing what it takes to allow every employee to be able to access the resources to do their job and reach their potential is pretty much the job description of managers with a toxic company culture.  

On the other hand there are leaders like Dr Naresh Trehan who can get a whole gamut of super specialists to follow him out of hospitals to create a group providing cardiac surgery services to a city, just because he commanded that respect & following. His leadership style meant he was involved, would support doctors when they needed it most- getting school admissions in Delhi for instance (more difficult than getting into University). For my husband that time was when my father in law was suffering from cancer and he had to keep going to Jabalpur to look after him. Dr Trehan did not call into question the number of leave but then Ajay had gone many extra miles for Escorts. Most institutions don’t acknowledge or remember the extra effort! 

Other words being bandied about today are burnout, well being, boundaries etc. In my experience there is nothing which makes a person enjoy their job more than the feeling of being valued and appreciated by their colleagues. This doesn't come from any awards or stars, just comes from genuine face to face interactions which include smiles, nods, hand shakes, chats and follow up on feedback received regarding the barriers faced by the employees in not being able to do their job well. 

On NHS for instance it is simple things like access to parking after paying for it (Wow), enough staff, access to equipment, ability to plan leave... its not much, but the service employs managers to give well being sessions, monitor attendance and create yet another meaningless tick box exercise while causing a further plunge in staff morale! While other industries are providing perks to attract talent, NHS is making sure everyone leaves their shores!

We too left our countries in search of new experiences. In Delhi if my colleague was sick I would cover the shift and get paid the same every month. I was quite surprised when I reached England that we would be paid locum pay! My husband said his colleagues and him would pool money to pay the cleaner in Medical College Hospital Jabalpur, to keep the toilets clean in the ward they were working just because they felt an ownership for it! Obviously our problems are from another planet in our kids' eyes. 

Since the non medic youngsters nowadays are studying, working, playing online; I am worried that they underestimate the value of face to face interactions. Forget going up to a stranger or even an acquaintance to talk to them, they have reservations about calling their own friends! I texted him! Somehow those boundaries become more important than instant gratification at this point! 

I think this move towards online interactions rather than face to face is contributing to burnout, loneliness, depression, substance abuse! We need to rethink zoom interactions and gym memberships and think honesty, sincerity, integrity (such old fashioned words) and chats over lunch! 

Life is unfair and unpredictable but finally it is about enjoying what you have (think mindfulness in day to day life) while getting what you want!* 

*'How to get what you want and want what you have' was a book by John Gray which had a huge impact on me in 1999 when I had my foreign degree, Registrar post, marriage, baby and was beginning to feel like "quietly quitting"!!!

Divisions and prejudice

I remember meeting a young politician, when participating in protests as a medical student against Caste reservations in jobs in India, when Mandal Commission was implemented in 1990. He had explained to me that even he had felt this idealistic fervor against caste divisions in society, when he had been in college, since we don't tend to encounter the impact of caste in our student lives. But he warned that I should wait till I am thinking about getting married. 

I remember thinking about him when my parents started looking at matrimonials in the newspapers for me. Pages of national newspapers were dedicated to parents seeking brides and grooms in classified sections of various castes (mostly upper, methinks) looking for fair, beautiful and homely (my daughter recently asked me qualify what this meant) brides or handsome, smart doctors or engineers. 

However, I realized soon enough that my ability to do deliveries and abortions for private nursing homes manned by families of doctors meant that my dark skin and backward caste could be overlooked. Now when I am thinking about my daughter's prospective partners, my prejudices are revealed as much as the realization that nothing has actually changed in the marriage market. 

People nowadays don't actually mention fair or wheatish complexion (which is progress in my view) but they are still governed by the same prejudices. Caste is mentioned in majority of the profiles with Brahmins wanting Brahmins and Kayasths and Baniyas wanting same caste matches. 

I am painfully aware of how I would swipe right or left depending on the qualifications, looks, institutions of the prospective grooms; even though I pride myself on imbibing the message of Geeta which talks about knowing that the background essence and flame of life is the same in everyone.  

Its not like I have not grown up in the intervening years. A lot of credit goes to living and working with all races, colors in the course of my working and living around the globe. But most of all my prejudices in favor of fairer skin and views conforming to the stereotypes against races have been called out by my children and they have truly been the guiding light in letting go of my racist views and anxieties. 

I should know better than my children that people sitting in big houses and belonging to upper castes or classes don't necessarily have big hearts which believe in empathy and inclusiveness. I should know better than them that the most successful matches and marriages happen in spite of mismatched looks, occupations, interests, social class, color, community. 

Colleagues in UK would be very surprised that most of us Indian doctors are married to doctors. I remember how surprised I was (though hopefully I hid it very well) when I learnt that one of my ambitious lady colleagues in 1999, who had three children, had a partner who did not have a regular job. It  actually worked very well for them because of the flexibility he could afford, to pitch in with child care, while doing odd jobs. If only people (I am including myself over here) would stop worrying about how it looks to others and concentrate on their own mental stability, we would be fine. 

Most societies are classist but Indian society is openly and blatantly so. Nobody thinks twice about being openly demeaning of accents, countenance which doesn't conform to the upper class English medium school upbringing. Posh public school accents are celebrated in UK too but people take pride in queuing up and not throwing their weight around. Unlike in India, where people love name dropping and getting their way. 

I remember being surprised initially when I started working in the UK, when I met or got to know AfroCarribean women who were beautiful. This whole fair is beautiful is so ingrained in our subcontinental psyches that I ended up having a girl crush on the first Afro Caribbean Registrars I worked for. But then she was actually so tall, calm and lovely. 

The world today is more divided than ever but one has to have hope that the younger generation will hopefully create a more unified world for the future. Until then I will work on myself, let go of distorted dynamics which have been a part of my past and not let that impact on my anxieties for the future.

Covid Times

  

The one thing I have realized is the fact that I am in reality, a very anti social person. I am happy not having to dress up and go anywhere. I hope I will not forget how to wear a sari but it definitely seems like a huge task even mentally imagining it at the present time. It is possible if I worked from home, I would feel differently. But since I did not actually stop leaving the house to go to work everyday and since I was a sad person with little social life before (unless you count the number of friends and posts on Facebook), I did not feel like anything changed. I just had a very valid reason to decline all invitations without guilt, convinced I was following the rules and doing my bit for humanity by falling off to sleep on my couch. 

We have had a record showing at departmental teaching sessions and meetings where everyone is muted and veiled (what's the word when you join without putting the video on?). However speaking to the screen like you really feel passionately about the subject without making eye contact with the listeners (are they really listening, who knows?) is fine until you want some discussion and ask a question. One is met with a few moments silence like I presume one experiences if you walked into space from an imaginary spaceship you are isolating on....the feeling of absolute nothingness or perhaps infinity. 

Having got familiar with the miraculous application which has surfaced and taken over our lives in these times called Zoom, one then resorts to calling out the names of the participants for a response.  The person then has no choice but to unmute their device. She does it with an air of anticipated chaos as the whole meeting becomes witness to a full fledged sibling fight on air. Children are hushed, devices muted and we carry on until we find out someone else's mike was left unmuted as they were having a mundane conversation perhaps about another bane of our lives, the printer. Life has thrown interesting challenges in these times.

We have not been allowed to gather to share knowledge hence another word has been added to our dictionaries this year- Webinar! Mention it to my medical fraternity and they sigh in frustration! 

As working women, the workplace sometimes is a much needed break from the chaos ensuing at home. And a break from both home and work used to be the conferences usually hosted in nice locales or starred hotels. One had a chance to attend without husband and kids in tow, flaunt the saris, listen to accomplished people and feel inspired, eat and drink in a relaxed atmosphere talking to acquaintances, friends or strangers without having to worry about getting called for an emergency at home or at work. Sadly the webinars have added to our multitasking skills. Now we are having to try to learn about the developments in medicine while minding kids or patients. 

All conferences used to have a few notorious participants who asked a question after every lecture. There were always the ones who had genuine problems which needed solving but there were also the ones who loved the sound of their own voices, who loved sharing their seemingly unique experiences showcasing their esteemed expertise. However since the webinar only invites the questions in writing- the discussions are less lively as there are no pretty, angry or distinguished faces or accents to decipher, no counter questions or comments and the participants I suspect are only half listening. The charm of attending an educational event away from the familiar stressful surroundings is gone! One of the many Covid casualties. 

All of us know of members of the fraternity, friends, ex colleagues, elders who have lost their lives to this deadly disease, the impact of which has been revealed over time. There were many of us who were not sure that the lockdowns especially early on when India did it, were warranted. However all the Governments are having to grapple with having to choose between economy and health of its subjects. UAE is no exception. Like always it has used technology as well as  health infrastructure and systems to contain the infection in a constructive manner. Health regulators have had a 24x7 job interpreting WHO guidelines and coming up with their own and have done well but the New Year festivities in Dubai (Winter being peak Tourist season and major driver of economy in yesteryears) have thrown up another spate of infections. As a result, weddings, entertainments, elective surgeries have again been put on hold. 

Hopefully the vaccination drive will put us out of the woods. The Government has made tests every 2-4 weeks, depending on exposure, mandatory. But here is the catch, if you are not vaccinated, you will pay for the tests yourself, the cost of each is close to 80 Dirhams! Till now the employer was paying. Thats it, that made loads all over the country queue up to receive the vaccine, no questions asked and we are amongst the top countries in terms of number of vaccinations. 

I remember when I was training, blood borne infections like Hepatitis B and HIV were the ones which we worried about. Every day I would wonder if the blood and liquor which had been splashed all over during my work hours, had gone into my eye or into a little unseen cut in my hand! Soon we were using universal precautions- we learnt to treat everyone like they could be harboring an infection. 

Looks like this might happen again. Much as we abhorred the mask at the beginning we seem to have got used to it now. Its a habit now to press lift buttons with my elbow, sanitize my hands after I touch anything, sit 6 feet from people if possible when indoors and the only time we see people without a mask is usually on Zoom! 

Lipsticks in my drawer are feeling as left out as the saris in my cupboard.... I am trying to give them hope even as a part of me likes being able to listen to lectures while sunning myself  with tea and peanuts! 

People are getting recruited via zoom, work online and have even got promoted without getting to meet anyone in their workplace in person! My cousin who is a software engineer had come to stay with his parents when I spoke to him. He said- my work and kid’s school is both online- I am not sure how long I will stay

I at once thought about the wife whose stay at in laws could not be cut short even on pretext of school as both dad and kids put head phones on and proceeded with their lives while reclining on the couch! 

Stay safe everyone and take the vaccine!

I am because we are

In the beginning of the lockdown, following the declaration of the Corona pandemic; one of my friends who is an ex colleague, the same age as me said-"Well, we don't remember the wars, do we?This will be something we can talk about to our grandkids!"

Of course my dear friend is very evolved and enlivens the Advait (non dual) Hindu philosophy that the world is an illusion, which is to be enjoyed without attachment and involvement. Shakespeare too said- All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts...

Many spiritual teachers and even mindfulness exercises encourage us to become witnesses or observers enjoying the play being enacted in our waking lives. The problem is that our bodies, emotions and thoughts make us suffer because spirituality in turn also makes us empathetic towards all.

So then how and why did we land in this situation? For many years now we have been debating and discussing global wealth inequalities, ethical issues regarding our food consumption giving rise to veganism, the menace of plastic in our oceans, the melting glaciers, the callous expansion of metropolises,  the rich getting richer, consumerism (alcoholism in recent times in India) dictating policymakers....yet like the teen environmentalist Greta Thunberg rued-its all talk, no action whatsoever. Is it really true that nature the all knowing healer realised we weren't very good at getting our act together and decided to intervene?

Well no scientist can really explain all the phenomenon in our bodies and in the environment. We haven't been able to create a robot to counter the most violent species on the planet- the humans.  If we were asked to run the world phenomena for one day, namely the human physiology, the weather and geothermal systems, the flora, the fauna, the migratory birds, the salmon searching bears, the singing dolphins, the insect eating plants, the beach hatching sea turtles... the world would come to a grinding halt. We would be left begging for nature to carry on, yet we have trouble accepting that there is a superior intelligence at work running  our ecosystems and more importantly we have trouble respecting it to ensure we have water, sun and other survival kit items for ourselves and for the future generations.

Should we pin our hope on Governments who sell poison (alcohol) to pay salaries to people, work for corporations (since ages as described in William Dalrymple's Anarchy) to stay on their thrones, sacrifice precious lives in wars and in pandemics for their own vested interests.

Farmers in India have been made to spend on fertilisers and pesticides which has destroyed the land and left no profit margins in an already weather jeopardised occupation of agriculture causing the mass exodus of migrants to the slums in the metro cities. Today they are longing for their villages where they could grow and consume their food and not depend on a heartless urban populace for empathy, food, health and dignity in a time like this.

I hope people realise the African indigenous Philosophy of Ubuntu- I am because we are. Most religions and humanist philosophies encourage us to think of ourselves as a part of the whole, incomplete without everyone else. We cannot lock ourselves in buildings, compounds, posh neighbourhoods while ghettos, overcrowded slums, unsafe housing exists in the vicinity because when virus strikes it doesn't see the manmade boundaries, when lockdown happens we realise how interdependent we are. But hardest hit are the disadvantaged, the people who believed they had nothing to lose.

We cannot build indiscriminately, produce to kill competition and fish all life out of the seas with massive nets and then not expect the wildlife to appear on our lawn and the wild viruses on our table. We cannot let alcohol be cheaper than water, have recreational drugs available outside the school, allow porn to be available freely, make a multimillion dollar business out of shooting games and then expect our children to be able to be in touch with their divinity within, have meaningful relationships, not need antidepressants, not commit crimes and save the world.

Political will is needed for a lot of these things but why hasn't all the public school and Ivy league education got us out of this mess? In fact they have been responsible for it. 0.8% population control 48% of world wealth. Will school strikes finally see some action?

Milan, a city in Italy which saw the worst of the pandemic is building cycle tracks, rebuilding with a different aspiration. May be things will change. Hope is something each of us can have, irrespective of our circumstances.

Eight below!

Three of my husband's batchmates from Medical College (basically people who have known him longer than I have) and their wives, eight of us in total, decided to go on holiday together. Even though I was quite keen on the idea since I knew all of them for a large part of my living memory, two weeks seemed really long and New Zealand seemed really far! I soon discovered I wasn't wrong about the distance. I had never imagined the flight time from Singapore to Auckland would be ten hours!!!

I feel less guilty about my carbon footprint after Corona decided to press the pause button on the world- shutting airlines, flights and cruises. I hope some glaciers have decided to melt next week as a result and some smogs in cities have cleared. Apparently the canals of Venice have cleared and are housing fishes again.

Ours was a package holiday with a fixed itinerary. However the eight of us were picked up and shown around in a 10-12 seater van with an Indian driver in every city, which was great! Being able to interact with local young Indians was a big plus for us, uncles and aunties. 

One of them used to receive a lot of calls on his phone which used to be on speaker in the van. Once a friend of his wanted to know (in Punjabi naturally) the name of the tablets he had given him so that the he could inform his GP. Our driver was suddenly in a spot, knowing seven of us in the van were doctors listening intently to what he was going to say. He quickly shut his friend up telling him in no uncertain terms that he is not to tell his doctor anything about the tablets he gave him. We reassured him later that the antihistaminic tablets he generously gave his friend suffering from a cold are available over the counter. 

We were soon witness to another call where clearly a solicitor or someone as important was talking about drawing up papers. Poor guy had no privacy. We were all very happy for him though when he said he was in the process of buying a home! All of us with young adult progeny, ready to dive out into the world, were blessing him and his family for what seemed like an important milestone to achieve in a foreign land.
Another of our younger drivers made a gesture of "pairi pona" or touching our feet when I tried to give him a farewell hug! Guess it serves me right...I could have just shook hands, we had no idea Corona was already raising its hood ready to strike.

New Zealand has the area of the United Kingdom with less than a tenth of the population, a third of which reside in Auckland. The people are very friendly, very accepting. Ordinary people went out of the way to wave at us, talk to us about Virat Kohli and photobomb our selfies! They have had their share of debates historically like America, Canada, Australia but most of the history of native Maori people and European settlers has been peaceful with treaties to ensure Maori gained business contracts and their culture has seen revival since the 1960s. The language, culture, handicrafts and most importantly their way of life where they took from the land only what they needed. They apologised to the forest when they cut a tree!

Auckland is nice but the rest of New Zealand is beautiful with mountains, lakes, glaciers, beaches, volcanos and hot springs. The major industry though is agriculture hence driving around we saw lots and lots of sheep, cows and occasional packs of deer (New Zealand lamb and venison are renowned) grazing or resting in these large sized livestock or dairy farms. Manuka Honey a local product which seemed an essential souvenier to take home, advertised as a medicinal solution to all problems is the honey made from a single flower's nectar and causes quite a dent on your pocket when you start looking to buy.

New Zealand wants to preserve its unique flora and fauna to ensure the nature's bounty is not exploited. There is a long list of things you cannot carry into the country lest you introduce something which may change things. Surprisingly New Zealand till date has no snakes! You are not even allowed to feed ducks most places or are asked to buy duck food. There are notices everywhere making you aware of the Tiaki Promise which is a commitment instilled from a young age to help protect New Zealand-the land, sea and culture, now and in future. It has an impact I believe since even the crowded touristy places seemed to respect the promise.

We started out in the North Island from Auckland driving through to Lake Taupo and Rotorua from where we took the flight to South Island to the prettiest city, very aptly named in my feminist view, Queenstown. We then went to Mount Cook and finished in Christchurch to take our flight back. 

Contrary to my expectations the whole holiday was irrepressibly wonderful. Knowing people for a quarter of century ensures conversation never stalls, there is never any dearth of inside jokes, pulling each other's legs is easy and generally lot of energy is saved when there are no grumpy young adults or squabbling ones to contend with. (No thats not true, I did miss my children hoping they would one day marvel at the glow worms while boating in the dark on underground rivers in silence, the cathedral like limestone caves, the geysers and the glaciers like I did and also wondered whether they too would have enjoyed the jet boat ride as much as I did) 

There were adjustments to be made though. I never seemed to believe it was worth my time to look around shops while others had to be dragged out of them if we were short of time. There were some of us who were amongst the oldest but suffered from the teenage affliction of FOMO- fear of missing out. They were willing to climb to the bottom of the earth and the top of the mountain, remain awake through four hour car journeys and look for onions in a resort village, just in case... just in case they were to miss out on experiences which definitely are in my view more precious than belongings. 

Then there was food. Some of us wanted to taste everything which google said we should try while others mostly vegetarians were happier with Indian food. I know there are  those who believe if you are killing, it doesn't matter which animal you kill to satisfy your gastric juices but some in the group were the chicken lamb fish variety, others who additionally had no problems with pork and bacon and then there was me- the piscetarian, then the vegetarians who ate egg and then there was a Jain menu person too in the group! Ice creams saved the day as they were a favourite with all! The most famous one Hokey Pokey is made of honey comb toffee and vanilla apparently . Thank God for all the activity, the carbs were used up very well. 

We had some nice get togethers in our hotel rooms with Indian snacks, ready to eat Indian meals, takeaways, New Zealand wines and of course you can't imagine middle aged male Indian doctors without whisky can you? We did have teetotallers who were asked strictly not to refuse the 10 millilitres of wine which is offered on the winery tours, to make us all believe we were being given entry into the elite class of people who would not feel out of place in the drawing rooms of the classy people swirling their glasses. Having said that after three wineries and a mix of red, white, oaked and fermented......I was happily passing mine on to those eager not to let the free dose go waste. 

Another welcome and interesting observation on this holiday was how much control the women enjoy past the age of fifty! Marriage is a unique phenomenon where the sooner you realise that you cannot be happy if your wife isn't, the better it is for the marriage.  The wives, let me clarify have done their bit of trying to please all and sundry and are now the Queens! Obviously some of our friends have been married for thirty years. Watching them maintain the balance and equilibrium while each spouse with years of experience rocked the boat occasionally, knowingly or unwittingly or just for fun knowing exactly when to stop, safe in the knowledge that the boat rather ship would not change course easily; was fun.

I wish we could go on more holidays like these though I do think we are more likely to meet at weddings and one on ones rather than all eight of us in a van taking a road trip!