University education- does it really make you better?

The recent controversy about the new Human Resource Minister's educational qualifications has only managed to make me more sceptical about the value of University Education and the burgeoning amount of money required for University fees for my teenage children. How many of us use what we learnt at University? And does a few years of student camaraderie, late night clubbing and weekend pubbing have to come at this enormous cost to me, the parent?

BBC recently reported that student complaints against Universities were up 10% since University fees went up. The reason has been stipulated to be because students considered themselves consumers and demanded more in value for the money.

One of the opposition leaders said about allowing private players in higher education- "American dream has become an English nightmare" Huge debt, low standards and poor attendance.

Poor attendance is not surprising. Not a week went by for me in college, without bunking an afternoon lesson to catch up on sleep, which had been lost chatting, watching movies, attending college festivals or at different times studying last minute for a tutorial.

 With so much information now available on internet in the form of articles, videos, presentations, podcasts; surely the way education is imparted and the way it is imbibed has to be different to create value. Why would you opt for sitting in a huge lecture hall with a few hundred students if it didn't actually make a difference! It is not surprising then that many Ivy league Universities are running online courses, which are oversubscribed.

It has always been fashionable to talk about how cheaply we (the older generation!!!) seem to have acquired professional education, as opposed to today's highly marketed, website advertised expensive courses, which don't seem to live up to the promises made, a lot of the times.

Mums and dads wonder why courses are stretched over three years with weeks worth of holiday in between, when they could have been made more compact and thus less heavy on the parent's purse as the cost of accommodation in University towns ends up being barely covered by the student loan and even after summer jobs, most parents have to shell out quite a bit for living costs.

But then the question is why do so many of us need degrees? I know Bill Gates and Dhirubhai Ambani are exceptions, but look around.

Look at how the lawyers and their degrees have made society into a mistrusting bunch of people paying out loads and loads of cash for motor insurance, health insurance, professional insurance, travel insurance etc etc while the lawyers laugh their way to the bank.

Look at the doctors, who were over run by the vested interests of the pharmaceutical companies, devices, scanners, diagnostics, with the result that most countries are struggling to provide a safe and effective health service at a reasonable cost and litigation costs are skyrocketing.

Then there are the Engineers, who are creating the tallest buildings, fastest cars, most luxurious aeroplanes and the most violent video games, even as natural resource rich countries  become poorer or are engaged in corruption and armed conflict. The world's growers of food have been worst hit, have become the victims of climate change and environmental destruction.

There is a crisis of values today. University education with its incumbent costs reinstates the crisis of values and perpetuates the same consumer mind set in people receiving it. It does not and will not make the world a better place, if the only aspirations we have are bigger pay packets, bigger cars and bigger houses.

Sadly nobody gives out degrees in values, ethics and responsibility. And anyway, why would I incur a student loan to get a degree which wont buy me the world, which I can then proceed to destroy?

Toughest job- Being Mum!

I was asking my daughter, an accomplished photographer in my limited opinion, to take a photo of me, since I was in my brocaded Indian finery, all dressed up to go to a Diwali dinner and dance. She was looking increasingly exasperated, as I consecutively rejected the results of her efforts, with words such as- "My double chin is showing" "I look too broad at the waist" "why don't you go further down the room and take it" "The light is not right" "My smile doesn't reach my eyes."

My children like many others I am sure, are sick of my obsession with the Facebook, the only social media I seem to be addicted to. Its funny how I seem to live my life, thinking about what I can post on facebook. Sadly my attempt at baking a cake today, has not had a photogenic enough result or else it would have been on facebook for everybody to see!

Kids are into instant messaging and for us all to be on two screens at any given moment is the norm.
The only parenting I seem to be doing is battling this onslaught of screens in our life.

My nani used to tell us how my masi's (mum's sister's) parents would pace up and down, outside the room where masi would be getting hit while being tutored by her granddad. But masi's parents would not dare to go into the room, confront their father/father in law and rescue their only daughter from him! It was just not done. The old man would hit her everyday and the parents watched helplessly.

This scenario is completely unheard of today. I get upset even if somebody decides to raise their voice to my child. My in laws would after much thought comment on my childrearing but never do anything like scold or hit my children.

I do at certain points of time, when repeated asking, ordering, threatening does not bring desired results, do feel like hitting someone, but all I end up doing is something akin to hitting my head on a wall!

The train of communication is usually- "Can you switch off the TV?" This then becomes- "Do it, just now", which then used to go on to things like "I am going to withdraw my consent for your school trip" or "no sleepovers for you" or "you can stay at home for the new year"

But over time and as I have graduated to becoming a mum of two teenage children, I realise that it is a pointless, tiring and losing battle of wits!

I read elaborate psychological analyses on parenting styles. You can be a helicopter parent- someone who is constantly fluttering over them, micromanaging their schedules, deciding what is best for them, helping them in school projects, organising their parties....

On the other hand you can be a laid back Consultant parent, someone who is there when the kid decides he or she needs advice, help or a bail out!

You can be Authoritarian (I pay your bills, hence you do as I say and not as I do) or Permissive (you are the apple of my eye, you can do as you like, I trust you!)

You can be Instinctive and let your children be free range (read wild), like chicken roaming the farm, feeding on insects!

I can't say which parent I am! Needless to say, I do think in that moment- "I am right, this is what needs to be done"

My daughter once accused me of being an "Indian" parent- believe me, they are a class of their own, probably only beaten by the "Chinese" I have a Chinese colleague at work and we like sharing notes, its interesting. So if I ask- does your son practice? He will say with a shrug of his shoulders- "He has to", while I look at him with amazement and wonder! I have newfound admiration for a man who can make his child do what he wants!

Coming back to my daughter's view on Indian parents, she said- "If I ask you anything, you say google it, find out, look at the globe, look up the dictionary,

Yet....without any input from your side, unlike other parents who actually help with revision, you will expect top grades, that's how you Indian parents are- Results! you are only interested in results!"

I felt a bit guilty for two days after she said that, and tried my best to help only to be told- "Mum, you can't suddenly change, leave me alone, I can do this"

However, I have realised I adapt, I change, I innovate....I am authoritarian one day, permissive the next, instinctive with one child, helicopter with another yet I constantly feel I am fighting a losing battle, I don't know if I can do better!

For all new parents or parents yet to enter the kingdom of  Heavenish hell- Welcome to the commandments of parenting which are impossible to follow!

"You have to be strict" "You will only encourage rebellion" "This will spoil them" "This will make them dependant" "You have to respect their individuality" "They have to know the boundaries"

Damned if you do, damned if you don't! Basically they just grow up inspite of you, not because of you!



 

Rituals- Reassuring and comforting

Carrying out routine tasks like cleaning, cooking and tidying can be, not just relaxing, but therapeutic. However, more importantly there are rituals which one gets used to, routine things which become a source of reassurance and comfort.

Everybody has memories of such rituals which evoke nostalgia.

I remember the awe and wonder, with which we marvelled at the tape recorder, when it arrived in our house in the 70s. All of our voices were recorded and played back to us. One of the things I remember listening to on the tape recorder, was my grandmother (nani) chatting to her brother from the village. It was a long conversation about the crops, the trees, the relatives, the friends and the neighbours interspersed with events, conversations and people from the past..

Nani, as we knew her, at the time, was a bustling busy woman, feeding us pancakes, ghee parathas, puris, phirni, halwa, nimki, thekua....etc. We always saw her going from one chore to the next and if she was sitting down, she was usually cleaning a leafy vegetable like spinach or coriander or cleaning rice or pulses before the age of polythene packed clean grains; or she would want to oil my hair (she could not see the vanity behind flying dishevelled hair) or oil massage the child's leg closest to her, one she could get her restless hands on.

Therefore the unhurried pace of the unwinding, relaxing and happy conversation about everything which nani, a child bride, had left behind in the village, was indicative that it was a ritual, she obviously looked forward to. It was something which made her feel connected. The memory of the conversation which somebody had recorded makes me wonder how much we took her for granted and how little we knew of her dreams, her wishes....

Similarly I always remember my parents' morning tea ritual. They woke up early. Their attire and their early morning chores differed depending on where we were. Mummy graduated from sari to  salwar kameez, while  Papa stopped wearing pyjama kurta and graduated to t-shirts and trousers when we moved to Delhi. Both were avid gardeners and hence either we had a big garden, which needed tending to, with some help or just some potted plants. We always seemed to have a dog or two dogs who needed to be walked (for some time we had an unmanageable three)

But they had at least two if not four cups of tea in the morning, while juggling the gardening and dog walking. Initially our live in help, with ever increasing words of protest and reluctance, would obligingly continue to make additional cups of tea but soon a truce was reached.

For a long time, tea was made and kept in a flask and then mum and dad kept pouring it and drinking it. My mother an otherwise Type A personality with routines, to do lists and watches which had to be correct to the second...synchronized with the radio and later the television; strangely, did not find the early morning tea ritual, something which she would class as a waste of her time, something she would want to do without. It was a comforting and reassuring thing that we all saw until Papa passed away....morning spent in each others company drinking numerous cups of tea.

Having just read about the devastation which wars and weapons cause in Khaled Hosseini's "A Thousand Splendid Suns" I realise how comforting a simple ritual like having a cup of tea with someone can be.

Thought management formula!

I chanced upon this interesting classification of the thoughts we think, the vibrations of positive and negative energy we generate.

So the GREEN box consists of positive thoughts. These are positive thoughts about ourselves and positive thoughts about others. Thoughts which reinforce ourselves to be peaceful powerful loving beings, who send out similar vibrations to other souls.

When faced with failure or at other times when we are drowning  in self pity and believing ourselves to be powerless, it becomes difficult to summon up even one positive thought about oneself. "I did my best under the circumstances" is the least we should be able to think!

On the other hand when faced with injustice, dishonesty or betrayal, it is nearly impossible to think anything positive for the people, who one believes are responsible for destroying one's faith in the goodness of mankind. The landlady who did not return the deposit, the undermining senior colleague and so many more....

If you believe that thoughts are actually the "transmitted energy of the soul" and that they are responsible for creating your destiny, you will no doubt realise that the  mind should be a green box full of good positive thoughts. Thoughts are also incompressible, so the brain can only think one at a time. Hence if you are thinking positive ones, there is likelihood that there will be less space for the amber and red, hopefully.

Lots of people would classify the negative thoughts as RED rather than AMBER. But I think I am less likely to have downright negative thoughts like- "May you rot in Hell"....for a sustained period of time. Maybe because I don't believe in Hell and maybe because I believe in the cycle of Karma or the universal rule of "good begets good" and vice versa.....Don't know.  Usually I find reasons for people's behaviour. "The house wasn't getting sold, she was short of money, her husband was off for stress etc etc.." or "He/She must have a miserable personal life to feel victorious after putting me down" etc etc.

 However, the MOST (hence RED) thoughts I think during the day are "WASTEFUL", regrets about the past, fears about the future...."I wish I had or hadn't..." "What if this/that was to happen..."

For instance I was communicating with my son on his mobile during a school trip and suddenly there was no reply to my texts for 24 hours. Even though I had heard from other sources that the boys were safe....My mind was a flurry of uncontrolled thoughts. While earlier I believed his phone must have run out of charge, when a whole day and night had gone by... I started to ponder- His mobile is stolen, poor boy....first school trip...what an awful experience....he had clicked so many photos....all lost...wonder if he is crying....he will be in a bad mood for the rest of the trip. I even imagined him looking lost and longingly at all his mates clicking photos and playing games!

I am sure all of us are familiar with this spiral of clearly, totally and utterly wasteful thoughts! Turns out it was on "airplane mode", my son's mobile that is...and don't ask me anything else because even I don't know and I don't care.

Guess the safe bet are mundane thoughts- "Need to go to the supermarket" "Have to put in the cheque for the coach fees" "Have to book the guitar lesson...........

But the mind makes very quick and stealthy escapes to the "what ifs" and "wish I had beens"

So the remedy is SOS!!!!

S for STOP....Just stop thinking negative and wasteful thoughts

O For OBSERVE......Just be the observer and see how tired, unenthusiastic and unenergetic the negative and wasteful thoughts make you feel!

S for SWITCH, STEER, SWERVE.............Replace these thoughts with positive ones. I am answerable only to myself. My honesty, respect for others and compassion are what make me who I am...

Worry, regret, criticism and fear should be quickly replaced with constructive positive thoughts which in turn will create a positive destiny! Or so we would like to believe! It is definitely better for health, sleep and well being in the short term, even if we don't believe in the long term view that Thoughts create destiny!

Does knowing English create a class barrier?

George Bernard Shaw said that England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

In India though, English, which is not such a common language everywhere, creates barriers.

When you arrive in England, you realise knowing English just means it is easi..."er" to communicate, but it doesn't automatically place you in an elite group of people, who share a different aspiration in life, whereas in India it does.

My brother had related a story to me, about the conversation which followed when he reached his lodge, where he was staying in Patna while he studied in Science College. The conversation was with his lodgemate (if that makes sense), who was not from an English medium school,  and it was after brother dear reached the lodge, having watched the blockbuster Deewar.

Lodgemate: Humko to nahi samajh me aayegi?

Brother: Kyun? Deewar kyun nahi samajh me aayegi?

Lodgemate: The War...English hogi na?

Apparently he had concluded that my brother must only watch English movies!

Similarly I have watched people (friends, relatives) become tongue tied in social interactions simply because they feel that the expectation is to speak in "farratedaar" English.

People start teaching their kids even before they are born and in the endeavour whole households seem to be speaking in English all the time and their need to speak in Hindi becomes confined to speaking to servants (a class apart). Don't know if it is true about other Metros but Deceptive Delhi, definitely.

I have been at the receiving end of this snobbish condescension, since the time I arrived in South Delhi to attend for the first time, a co educational school; from a little known small town in Bengal with oiled hair in braids, having hardly ever listened to any Western Music, having no sense of fashion whatsoever (I realise that hasn't changed at all since those early school years) and having just my tenth marks as my claim to fame.

I soon learnt about painful and painstaking measures of female grooming which are now deemed essential, started listening to Sunday requests on the radio,  became aware of the fine balance of "come hither" and "get lost" looks pretty girls gave to chasing boys. And yet, I still feel judged and inferior when face to face with a name dropping, designer clad, well heeled, articulate and fragrant member of homo sapiens- male or female!

Needless to say, I am sure I have been guilty too of making others feel this way. However, as I have grown older and wiser, I have come to realise what a load of rubbish "class" is. I am sure all of you read about the world famous violinist who played anonymously near a train station and nobody except pre-schoolers paid him any attention. I wonder if dogs listened, our dog was usually a good judge of character!

I remember as kids we used to have our favourite relatives, people who we were usually in awe of, people who were young; seemed smart, articulate, well dressed; people who smelt nice, told us stories and brought us gifts. Our parents always taught us to be grounded and therefore we also saw how my dad bathed and tended to a poor far off relative from the village, only because he was a distant cousin of mummy's, was sick and needed treatment. We were taught the basic values of courtesy, respect and care but...

When we grew up and when my parents wanted to go on bride hunting sprees for my brothers, I was the most vocal in saying we needed life partners who we could connect with, who we had a lot in "common" with, people who we had "got to know", people we could watch "English movies" with.

I was young, energetic, idealistic, eager to take on the world; the ways of which I now realise I had little idea about.

Being a migrant in an English speaking country is a great leveller too. I still can't sometimes understand the jokes going back and forth in the operating theatre. Culture, education and background...they can be used to create barriers when people choose to, but positive energy is able to dissipate most barriers

 The older and wiser me realises the essence of the words- "its the thought that counts". I have realised how the things which matter most are vibes, thoughts, actions which speak louder than words in any language. I realise how the simplest people can look so beautiful and all the designer clothes can't inspire the energy which a brave and loving person's actions can. I realise that you need to have nothing in common to be friends and certainly very little in common to be life partners and love does make the world go around!

Festivals

Earlier, living abroad meant festivals would come and go in blissful ignorance, as it would just be another working day. Unless there was a function organised over the preceding or following weekend by the Indian community, life (festivals) would just pass us by.

But with the advent of the Facebook and smartphones, one is very aware. Best wishes start pouring in from the day before, animations and cards followed by photographs and videos of the actual celebrations in the community or at home, in India and abroad; makes us all feel  a part of the festivals like never before.

Festivals have a special flavour in every region of India. Yes I would like to go to Brazil during their carnival, but nothing can beat the lure of Durga Puja in Kolkata, Dussehra in Mysore, Dahi Handi in Mumbai, Navratra Dandiya in Ahmedabad, Holi in Mathura (not so sure I would want to be there)....and probably many more.

On 14th January 2014, I saw pictures of the International and Local Kite festival as part of the celebration of Uttarayan in Ahmedabad (on Facebook). Beautiful and creatively crafted Kites of all shapes and sizes took to the sky amidst cries of "Kai Po Che". I learnt for the first time what the name of a very famous movie inspired by Chetan Bhagat's book, meant- A victory cry when the opponent's kite is cut! And of course all festivals have to have their share of some special cuisine, which is eaten together. 

For us as children, we always knew the menu at Nani's house on the day of a certain festival. So the night before Holi would mean a treat including Dhuskas- a savoury deep fried circular snack made from equal parts of semolina, gram flour and rice flour! We always knew whose mother would bake a cake for Christmas and also where the different types of sewai would come from at Eid and which Aunty would make Sondesh for Bijoya.

Just eating together was not enough, on Kartik Purnima, we as an extended family would eat on the terrace. Kheer or rice pudding with Puri was usually the menu and the Kheer was left uncovered to catch the amrit/ambrosia being shed by the moon that night. Did it make us immortally healthier? Emotionally and socially, I now realise festivals do have a role to play.

The people in England today are not religious, hence the only time street parties happen, people get together on the street, are for events like the Queen's 85th Birthday, the Olympics, the Fireworks at New Years and other charity events like Race for Life (Cancer Research) or closer home, the school fetes.

When Nani performed the Chhat Puja, we would be involved and would get up early to drive her to the little lake for the sun salutation in the water. It would be cold! The best part for us of course would be the special Thekuas made of jaggery and wholemeal flour.  But in later years, even if nobody in the house was actually performing the Chhat Puja, somebody in the neighbourhood or amongst family and friends would be and we would receive the Thekuas as Prasad.

What we took for granted when we were little, one longs for now. Hospital accommodation in NHS did allow for gatherings and exchange of Prasad and Sewai during important festivals of North and South India as well as during Eid (we had neighbours from Pakistan and Bangladesh at various points of time) but festivals like Christmas, New Years, Diwali and strangely even Valentine's day, especially in the Metros have become commercial exploits more than coming together of people and families.

All I remember about Raksha Bandhan or Diwali in Delhi (Mega festivals for the city) is the TRAFFIC!!!!!

Another unusual festival, I have had the fortune of being witness to was the display of Holika a day before Holi in Jabalpur. Jabalpur, my sasural is an interesting place, where snake charmers still walk the streets to get money on Nag Panchami. My husband, an artist at heart says he used to be involved in decorating Ma Durga's idol as much as the Tajia at Muharram, for his gali (street) as a young man. Coming back to Holika, who is burnt in bonfires there were many versions of her, I saw. One of the idols depicted her on a vegetable sellers thela, selling vegetables in a Maharashtrian sari whereas most were dressed in Western clothing- skirts, bikins, hot pants, shades.....artististc and religious licence or sculptor's fantasy? 

Mum's knitting

So much has changed within our lifespan, that the magnanimity of the changes are difficult to fathom, most of the time.
Winter reminds me of all the knitting my mother did. It was something she liked doing, but has had to give up due to ill health. She usually had two to three ongoing knitting projects at a time, each winter.

She had a plain "seedha ulta" knitting, that she would ask me to get when somebody came home for a social visit and she had to pay attention to the person in front of her, or when she was watching television.

Then, there was one which had intricate designs, either with multiple colours of wool or had a pattern which had been painstakingly learnt, from one of the foreign books on knitting, or from one of the issues of "Woman and Home". This demanded mum's total attention, hence could not be tackled when watching television or when talking to people.

And usually there used to be one which was of intermediate level of difficulty which mum could carry on knitting, when making us do home work, or sitting with dad as he read the newspaper.

We all (mum, dad, brothers and me) wore beautiful sweaters, which would be admired and  be looked at by aunties in the neighbourhood, relatives, teachers (of my brothers' boarding school) and strangers, alike.

But we were not the only beneficiaries. Nearly everyone in the extended family had been gifted a hand knitted sweater from bhabhi, chhotima, aunty, krishna or whatever they addressed my mother as.

I will never forget how my colleagues responded when I told them, that the striking black cardigan, I was wearing, with a green border and red flowers set in it, had been knitted by my mother. This was when I was doing my post graduation in Safdarjung Hospital and mum was Head of the Department.

There were wide eyed exclamations of "What? Really? I have never even held a knitting needle,….etc. etc" They then explained to me that other mums making beautiful sweaters was easy to digest but Head of the Department making them…..noooo! It was giving everyone a complex!

Creating something is always very satisfying. The loving positive energy which went into creating the sweaters, was I am sure carried forth to the people receiving the gifts. Sometimes the wool was provided and mum just did the knitting. Either way, it helped knit us all together as a family.

There was always recycling, redoing of sweaters to be done, washing, wrapping and untangling of wool to help mum with and other accidents like the dog playing with or getting entangled in yarns of multicoloured wool or the wool coming out of the washing machine matted into one great mass resembling sadhu's locks or an adult sweater shrinking into one for the baby. The latter two problems were majorly because of an obsession for "pure" wool and not the synthetic brand called "cashmillon", in those days.

 Having said that, I must admit  sweaters which stand delicate washes without becoming hairy and getting deformed are harder to find in today's age of throw and buy. We are a consumerist society, which doesn't hold on to much. Everything finds its way to the landfill. Earlier, even saris which were given away, ended up being curtains and quilt covers after being recycled, just as the cotton ones were stitched together for baby mattresses or mats and would even end up as sanitary towels before being actually thrown away.

I can't knit a sweater for my children but am hoping I will be find time, energy and brain to do it for my grandchildren.

Mum's grandchildren wore her sweaters as babies and little children but soon outgrew the fashion and the need. My daughter still wears one knitted by my mum.