Happiness Index

We have been spending half an hour every morning listening to Brahmakumari Sister Shivani on Star plus, while she talks about personal & self management and one of the key concepts she talks about is the Happiness index.

Sister Shivani is obviously a very well read computer savvy person who seems to be counselling people from the corporate and business worlds, apart from others who have come to her either when life has dealt a few blows to them or when life seems to cruise along, seemingly quite complete; yet they have felt a void or a vacuum, which worldly things like money and relationships have not been able to fill.

So the young and pleasant looking Sister Shivani's USP is the contemporary language she uses. Happiness index draws its parallels from the Sensex or other market indices which cause such ripples around the world when they go up or down. According to her, we should aim for a stable happiness index, which is not as sensitive as the Sensex and doesn't jump up and down with good and bad news or events from around us.

Since the happiness index is dependent on the quality of the thoughts we create in our mind, which in turn determine our destiny by karmic law, one of the crucial things Sister Shivani advises is a check on our operating system. Just like if your operating system on the computer is defective no program will run properly, so too we need to ensure our belief system (operating system) is compatible with our hardware and software.

For instance if I believe "My work should be appreciated" or better still- "I need to be appreciated to feel happy", the counter argument will automatically hold true as well-"If somebody is unappreciative, I become unhappy"  

Hence, the next time my boss says "We need better communication from you", when I might have been feeling like actually nobody was listening to me or my husband says- "The chicken curry was tastier the last time you made it" even though he was too busy eating it to say anything about it the last time I made it....

I need to take a deep breath, observe the tirade of explosive thoughts my mind creates in a jiffy, stop them from running amock and change my belief system. So I need to believe that "I do my job to the best of my ability because it makes me happy" "It is not necessary that people will find my work worth appreciating" "Criticism should be taken on board in a constructive manner." Wow! now doesn't that feel better already? 

Happiness comes from within and should not be dependent on external factors like people's appreciation of you or your efforts. This a belief system or operating system which is difficult to integrate into your hardware and software but it can be done. It can be done to the extent that it helps you remain stable without causing a rise in heart rate, breathing or blood pressure. Maybe if I carry on experimenting with Sister Shivani's truths I might actually manage to keep calm while dealing with the most difficult task both at home and at work- human resource management. 

Sister Shivani uses very real examples to illustrate the principles of self management and another phrase she uses a lot in her computer savvy manner is "Press the delete button"

All of us have gone through quite a few computers and laptops in our computer using lifetime and we all know how important it is to do a clean up to ensure the computer continues to work quickly and effectively. This is exactly the case with our minds. We need to press the delete button for all our past experiences which disturb us. If we accumulate clutter, it clogs the system, reduces clarity and focus, reduces performance which in turn leads to uncomfortable situations with less than optimum tasting chicken curry or miscommunications at work!

Therefore "PRESS DELETE"

Apna gaon- Gurgaon

Gurgaon is a hep and happening place. Cruising on the toll road one can see the brightly lit multistoried landmarks which makes this Haryana town look like Manhattan. The plush Hotels which line the highway include the giants like Leela Kempinski (Indo European tie up) and Crowne Plaza. All international names would want a presence in this gaon (village), Gurgaon, thanks to the IT hub it has become.

The well signposted toll road gives way to a traffic maze at most times, which leads into the concrete jungle, dotted with numerous residential complexes, shopping malls (big and small), offices, huge hospitals (wonder how many people are sick at any one time), overhead Metro tracks and metro stations, hotels and schools.

I had been in touch with some of my college friends, thanks only to Mark Zuckerberg's invention- the Facebook. It was therefore easy to get in touch with each other and organize a meeting in the posh Ambience Mall. It reminded me of the Seef Mall in Bahrain but needless to say such a meeting of all brands international and national along with the indigenous, in such luxurious surroundings made me remember where I had come from- a sleepy seaside village (town seems a overstatement) in rural East England where the biggest establishment is probably the hospital I work in.

We ate at Frescoe's- an Italian joint with youngsters belting out live music in form of popular numbers from our college years. I happened to comment that these young people seem to be singing songs from "our time", only to be rebuked by the youngest at heart in the group- "what do you mean our time, THIS is our time!"
I had to agree. Being with college mates who you have had both escapades and petty fall outs with twenty something years ago...is strangely uplifting, therapeutic and wonderful.

I was only having French fries as they call them in India (its chips in England), due to religious reasons, but the food looked very authentic and delicious. The poor waiter cum manager was threatened by at least three of us to ensure my food had no extra ingredients in case it invites the wrath of the Gods. "Are you married?" one asked, "You want a good wife, don't you?" threatened another. Poor guy came back to tell me that the usual potato wedges are preseasoned with masala, hence he will organize a plate of pure French Fries-ideal fast food (Vrat khana). I told the young man I will pray he gets a good wife.

I met some very unusual people too. A farmer, who studied till high school, who dresses in white shirt and trousers, who sold half his agricultural land when the development started and built a home each for his two sons in Gurgaon and now lives in a three story guest house cum home where people can rent single accommodation with breakfast and dinner for monthly lump sum or on a daily basis. Money is not a problem any more for this farmer and his family as their fortunes turned when IT companies put their anchors down in Gurgaon.

Another person I met was a retired Professor of the degree College in Gurgaon. He told me that his illiterate farmer parents had given him an education.  Uncleji's sons are now abroad, Manchester and Birmingham. He helps his daughter in law in the boutique he has helped establish in neighbouring Hong Kong Mall. Shopping there reminded me of the time when I had come to England for the first time. I would calculate the price of a cup of coffee by converting it into rupees and then wonder whether it was worth it. I seem to be doing the reverse now in India. Everything seems to cost above a thousand rupees which in my mental calculation goes much above ten pounds and then I think- maybe...maybe not after all. A hundred rupee note is like a pound coin, even though a pound doesn't even fetch a hundred rupees.

Newspapers seem to have a lot of news on schools and children's achievements. One of the key achievements being top SAT scores, the entry ticket to top Ivy League Universities in the US. US education even if it is at post graduate level like an MBA allows people to be employed by multinationals with huge salaries in dollars and some are now resettling back in India while earning a fat dollar pay packet.

All this feels good, but the problems of India remain, corruption being top of the list. The threat of Anna Hazare's campaign looms large over the Government who is trying to shut people up by threatening to clamp down on media and social networking sites! But Change- is inevitable whether the Govt likes it or not!

Life- a game?

KBC has been changing ordinary people's lives and the thrill of watching it all unfold on the small screen has caught everybody's imagination.

Sushil Kumar, a computer operator from Bihar played like a pro to win the final jackpot of 5 crore rupees and it was a dramatic moment to say the least, when Amitabh Bachchan screamed with his arms outstretched-"Adbhut! adbhut!" The young man and his even younger wife, just didn't seem to know what to do with themselves as they tried to digest the reality of the situation.

Similarly, a teacher who has a stammering problem, went on to win 50 lakhs and both these contestants spoke about the setbacks and disappointments they had faced in life and how blessed they felt to be on the hotseat facing Big B on KBC.

Music reality shows too, one might argue, make celebrities out of ordinary folk, but they tend to do a lot, for just a few, whereas KBC seems to provide an oppurtunity to many.

Yet, nothing succeeds like success. Media and ordinary people on social network websites or over a cup of coffee spend hours analysing what makes a winner. Mahendra Singh Dhoni was one person who after winning the World Cup, became the subject of detailed analysis about his attributes which made him so successful.

Everybody likes a winner and everybody would like to be a winner but not everybody is a winner. We as a family, have been playing Monopoly over the summer holidays and I have often thought that life is actually a game of Monopoly. You need to make the right investments early in life- they being education and self development in real life as opposed to property in the game of Monopoly, to be able to reap the rewards later. Ofcourse the dice can lead you to jail or unnecessary losses, but worrying about the losses still to come, can easily drag you into a hole of bankrupcy. No risk, No gain.

Plenty of people have likened the ups and downs one faces in life, to a game of  Snakes and Ladders. Similarly the skills required for a game show like KBC have often been the most basic life skills like playing with a cool head, taking calculated risks, having faith in oneself, making the right decisions etc etc.

So I do think life is a lot like a game and even though winning is important, one must be able to lose cheerfully. It is important not lose faith in one's abilities, understand that sometimes the dice of destiny decides our fate and be able to plunge into life's next game without being afraid. I think all the big winners dared to dream and were not afraid to lose. Without the courage to be able to take a risk, one is unlikely to land a big jackpot.

It is not without reason that people say "Live like there is no tomorrow". That is the way to live, really! I think we let too many "what if"s ruin our lives. And the most unlikely people become winners because they were at a juncture of their lives where they had nothing to lose. I know that when life's situations become such that one feels it can't become any worse, one seems to be able to think and act with much better clarity, direction and purpose.

This reminds me of the poem by Rabindra Nath Tagore- "Where the mind is without fear..."

That is exactly the state of mind which helps us perform to the best of our ability and to our highest potential- when we are devoid of fear- fear of losing, fear of not succeeding, fear of being ridiculed, fear of going wrong, fear of not doing what looks good (even though it doesnt feel good), fear of not being able to live up to other's expectations, fear of not being able to do the necessary preparation (I think I wasted more time before my exams wondering how I will complete the syllabus rather than getting on and doing it) and the list can go on...

But is not being afraid an inborn trait? Or can we develop it? The truth is probably midway. So friends let go of your fears and you might hit the jackpot in real life!

Acceptable Etiquette and daughter-in-laws

One of our friends said he wanted to buy a book on etiquette to be able to teach his children good manners. Yet, much to his dismay, he did not find a book and thus still considers himself ill equipped to teach his children growing up in England, what the correct code of conduct should be.

I should hope that kids are taught that in school but looking around at young people today makes you wonder.

Recently a mother in law's letter of admonition to her future daughter in law went viral on the internet attracting attention from young and old. Lots of older people hailed the mum in law as a hero who had spoken up against what was an onslaught of "uncouthness and lack of grace" which they have had to endure from the younger lot on a continual basis. Ofcourse the young bride-to-be too, had her crowd of sympathizers.

It is no surprise for anyone to know whose side I would like to be on. Here is an excerpt from the legendary letter from the mother in law-

 "It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:



When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat – unless you are positively allergic to something. You do not remark that you do not have enough food. You do not start before everyone else. You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.


When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early – you fall in line with house norms.


You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter........

I, like million others identify with this letter. I remember when I moved from Asansol, a small town to the capital,Delhi, I suffered from a culture shock. I moved from a Convent into a Public School (the much acclaimed Delhi Public School RK Puram)

I stood in the school ground on the first day listening to a succession of bells trying to decipher the direction I was meant to walk towards. Unlike my previous school where, within minutes or seconds, girls could be seen to assemble in an orderly fashion in a certain direction, this coeducational school was just a marketplace of children dragging their feet, laughing and joking, completely oblivious of teachers carrying armloads of notebooks in the corridors. It was shocking, to say the least, for me to witness time and time again this complete disregard for teachers. Young people who acknowledged them did so with an obvious sense of familiarity and the deference to authority which I still believe should be there between a parent and child, a teacher and student was disappearing even those many years ago.

And not unexpectedly I hear about the stories in classrooms today, both in India and in England from my children, which make me wonder what the world will be like in times to come.

But then again change is the only thing constant in our lives. My behaviour was a culture shock to my mother in law, when I got married, so there is not much point in my holier than thou attitude today. Acceptable behaviours change as do interpersonal dynamics, over time.

My mother in law was shocked not so much by my behaviour towards her and other members of the family (because I seemed to have learnt the good bahu ritual well from the movies) but my behaviour towards my lord and master, my husband, my pati parmeshwar. Which from her point of view was lacking in grace and bordering towards unacceptable, but perfectly natural for me.

I now think all my friends who have daughters are probably lucky in one way. They won't have to put up with uncouth behaviour from pretty young things in the twilight years of our lives- after all son in laws usually never stay long, do they? Or maybe that will change too!

Habitat-Ye tera ghar, ye mera ghar!

This summer, my landlady managed to empty out the old caravan, which had been standing outside our door. It had remained there, stuffed with household goods, which the landlady's removal van at the time of her move, had not been able to accommodate.

She handed me the keys and said the kids could use it. My 10 year old promptly invited a friend for a sleepover in the caravan. Soon I was inspecting it for health and safety, and promptly the friend's mum was on the phone forcing me to tell her that actually it was not connected to any electric point and therefore was going to be dark, cold and that it was also difficult to bolt from the inside.

Needless to say that the catalyst, who had been encouraging this weird adventure was the "wanting to look cool" dad who then had to pitch in with ideas about mobiles,torches, quilts etc. Soon the two boys were in the caravan with their ipods, having bid us good night.

I didn't have to wait long while trying to calm myself with self talk about not being a spoilsport and trying to let go, when we heard the door banging. A quick rush down the stairs found the boys, mobiles, quilts and all frantically knocking. When we were all safely inside again, we listened to the story-"There are spiders in the caravan!"

Why didn't you kill them was my question, to which my son replied-"Spiders have rights too, I can't drive them away from their habitat." Caravan is OUR habitat I protested in vain. Anyway, never mind...I know nobody is scared of spiders, it is just pure concern for their habitats, naturally!

I wish we could all be a bit more scared. It is not nice to hear about sharks mistaking people for seals on busy beaches, polar bears killing teenagers on adventure camping trips and deer running amok on the motorways in the cities.

Back in Chhattisgarh, the local TV channel enabled us to watch in horror the drama which unfolded after a panther entered a village. The forest officials were informed as were the district magistrate and the police. All arrived on the scene one by one. The media was there to photograph all the jeeps and white ambassadors, while this panther was trapped in a house, looking terrified and agitated (not surprisingly). The drama carried on, filmed by media crews, as the authorities kept waiting for more senior input until the sun was about to set and then the villagers took their own decision. The world watched as the villagers got the panther in the courtyard, poured kerosene on him from the roof  and set him alight.

It wasn't unusual to hear about children being killed in villages close to the forests, by panthers in Chhattisgarh. It was awful when a little girl on her way to school was snatched by the "tendua". Here was the world talking about bringing down barriers to educating the girl child. Did anybody imagine that they can be killed on the  way to school by a wild animal?

In its defense, the panthers had been driven away from their habitats due to the forest cover being eroded by deforestation, illegal mining etc. No evidence of any development though! It was indeed heart rending to watch the poor animal being burnt alive as the forest ofiicials, district administration and others watched.

Money, I dont believe has ever been a problem for Government agencies, as the crores come tumbling out of the closets. Surely they should have ways to overpower such beasts or standard operating procedures for what was a commonplace occurence. Hungry tide by Amitava Ghosh is again a heart rending story about the havoc the tigers cause in the Sunderbans while for the rest of the world it remains a protected endangered species.

While we try to invade habitats by going on arctic cruises and treks into nowhere, there are humans in the more populated part of the world who find it difficult to find a safe habitat.

Babul ki duaein leti jaa! So long Farewell!

Over the years I have fond memories of the cars I have been associated with.

The first one was my dad's first car (even though it was second hand), a bright blue Fiat. It must have been an important part of my life because I drew and coloured a blue car to win a first prize in my very first drawing competition as a four year old. Life as a four year old was wonderful and I distinctly remember the joy of standing on the front seat of the car to have a bird's eye view of the world, next to my father chattering to him as he drove around town.

The second car I remember was a steel grey Ambassador, which was bought close to my nephew's birth when I was ten years old. Well, all of us have very happy memories of this spacious Ambassador, which would house God knows how many of us, including the white haired dog (nicknamed "Bidesi kukur" by passersby), who travelled with us with his head poking out of the front left window.

When the grey Ambassador was sold at last, my nephew was close to becoming a software engineer. My dad was nearly singing bidai (farewell)songs - Babul ki duain leti jaa, jaa tujhe sukhi sansaar mile!

I recently read an article in Time magazine "Driven off the road by MBAs"- it discussed a book written by Bob Lutz, former chairman of General Motors who believes like I do, that if we want economies to grow in the real sense, make top class products or provide top class services, we should "fire the managers" and let the technocrats run the show. In yesteryears we believed that if our product excelled, customers would come. But then came the MBAs and taught us what was taught to them- how to try to get almonds for the price of peanuts!

Quoting from the article- ".... a trend toward short-term, myopically balance-sheet-driven management has infected American business."

Our parents used to own and treasure things for longer not just because the culture of incessant buying and throwing away, wasn't rife but also because things were of better quality, made to last a lifetime....because then, the shoe companies were run by shoemakers and auto companies were run by engineers as Lutz suggests should happen.

Nowadays people change cars and jobs easily. I remember treasuring my first watch, but nowadays kids have too much hardware around to get emotionally attached to anything and anyway everything needs updating and changing every 1-2 years.

Consider your mobile phone, which then became smart and then acquired a touch screen and then flattened out to enable you to do everything, while you were on the go. The VCR, VCDs, DVDs and Audio CDs and their respective players replaced cassettes and records and now everything is going to the landfill to make place for downloading ipods. Not only that, everything needs to be synchronized to each other and thus the whole lot need will need updating at frequent intervals. Not to forget the Wiis, Xboxes and playstations. God bless our planet.

Then comes rivalry between competing providers. Last week we spent nearly an hour trying to get the Storz cable to work on the Olympus stack (Storz and Olympus being top companies providing laparoscopic equipment).

So in this horde for possessing "STUFF" from all the different competing companies which needs an upgrade before it is launched.....people are buying more than they need or can afford.

Apart from how it has affected lifestyles and relationships (people have no one to talk to but have 200 friends on facebook), it has done away with singing bidai songs to cars!

House work- Mai bhi raani, tu bhi raani kaun bharega paani?

This was actually something I heard my Orthopaedic professor in Lady Hardinge Medical College, mutter under his breath, in the operating theatre when faced with lack of sterile equipment for his operation. He was referring to the theatre nursing staff and was generally disgruntled by the fact that there were so many nurses, yet none seemed competent for the job.

However, it seems a very appropriate and timeless saying about housework. I have witnessed major wars being played out in the home between mom-in-law and daughter-in-law, between sisters-in-law, between spouses, between friends or cousins staying together and so on. Somebody always begrudgingly does more or believes he or she does more until the percieved imbalance starts putting a strain on the relationship. For most people, doing housework is a thankless and endless job which has little to show for itself.

A lot of people on the other hand, will find cleaning quite therapeutic, decorating a matter of pride, cooking a pleasure and housework in general, a part of life.

I remember regularly meeting a colleague of mine on the steps of my flat as he made trips to and from his home at lunch time to have home cooked Indian food prepared and served hot by his dear wife everyday. I said to him once- "Wish I too had a wife."

Honestly, with a preschooler at home I used to struggle to find time for anything and would have liked someone to cook and serve me a meal, at least once in a while....

Going back to India and having live in help, made my wish come true. My live in help was a very clean and efficient lady, who loved my children and was an excellent cook. I remember her often, but my husband remembers her more. Domestic help is often cited as a reason people want to stay or move back to India.

I have been reminded often by my dear husband about the concept of two types of people in this world- the one half who do the work and the other half who get the work done. To me it is quite clear which half do the house work!!!???

So I have been told I don't need to do it, just need to know how to get it done. Unfortunately, my year long stay in Bahrain saw the biggest turnover of maids in my life and has made me run miles from any live in help in the house.

So any such suggestions about hiring live in help were met with a very grumpy, argumentative, suspicious and stubborn me.

However, circumstances prevailed and I had to give in. My Egyptian colleague, while betraying his own fantasies, did warn me against hiring a long legged blonde beauty to stay home while I was at work, but I had no option.

I registered (paid money to) on a au pair website to find an aupair ( meaning- on equal terms in French). Soon, I was corresponding on email to this pretty young woman (I made sure she was dark haired) who then arrived at midnight from Spain. We had no problem recognizing each other as we had exchanged photographs on email and I was soon showing her the high street in our little town. I thought she was very smart with directions until she said she had seen the house, roads and the high street on google earth. Wonder what would happen to the world without google.

Life has been relaxed with her around, contrary to my own expectations. She has been teaching French, looking for a disco, booking an English course amongst other things, while I remain a suspicious spoilt sport, but who knows I might just get used to the idea of getting work done, rather than doing it.....? Sounds too good to be true!