Who am I?

When I was in Middle school in a small town in India we used to have visitors from the foreign land- a land filled with mystique in my then, soft clay like brain. The visitors, who were actually relatives travelling from South Africa, looked like us, but smelt different (mixed aroma of perfumes, aftershaves, shampoos..I can now guess), communicated nearly always only in English, brought gifts and were generally a very welcome break from the monotony of school and home for me.

But even though they loved to look around the town and marvel at the roadside dentist, optician, palmist, blacksmith, potter and florist at the "purana bazaar", some of them would insist on taking the long and often tiring journey by train, taxi, bullock cart and foot to my mum's village, which is where their great or greater grandad came from.

I am ashamed to say that I have not yet visited the village in question and as a little girl I was not able to understand, their need, to see for themselves, where they had originated from. Today I try to retrace that journey and realize it was probably a quest to answer the crucial question- "Who am I?".

Years ago people in England, would belong to a church, would be part of each other's lives in birth, death, sickness and marriage.But, as times changed and polygamous kings challenged the authority of churches and their views on divorce and abortion, numerous other churches came into being and today less than 1 in 10 people will call themselves Christian in England. Local commnunities have ceased to exist and politicians talk about mending broken society in Britain.

This has resulted in ironical situations. A British Airways employee went to court and lost her appeal to be able to openly wear her cross. A nurse faced disciplinary action for "offering" to pray for a very sick and old patient.

Yet, we have seen a resurgence of wavy beards, skull caps and hijabs, even amongst professionals like doctors and cricketers. Infection control has stripped Consultants of ties and jackets but the wavy beard is here to stay, in multicultural Britain.

Do religious doctrines, help people hold on to their faith in times when it comes under attack? Does it help answer the question about who they are, where do they come from, what do they believe in? Are youngsters attending Sunday School, less likely to play truant and be directionless?

We will never know. What we do know is that people are different and trying to club them together in the name of secularism and multiculturalism doesn't help. That is the reason, politicians continually and successfully play the various cards- race card, religion card, region card, caste card, class card, Europe card....all over the world.

People live an anonymous existence, especially in big cities and yet the need to belong to a group remains. The popularity of various groups on internet, a throbbing community today, is witness to this need.

We should recognize our need to belong....accept and celebrate our differences by practicing tolerance (quite successfully done in a majority of diverse India), rather than disregard our identities and try to be like each other (like the Hindu Indian NHS Consultant in the early 90s whose house was decorated like a market fair for the Christmas party he liked to host, all in an attempt to "fit in").

No pain, no gain!

Everybody's antennae stand up on their heads when they spot an unusual name amongst the patients in the hospital. Next quesion is- Does she speak English?

The opening up of the UK to the EU has ensured that we are exposed to a variety of nationalities, peoples, cultures and languages. So in a country where we struggle with women requesting a caesarean for no reason, we may have to deal with a woman who had lost three of her family while having a caesarean in Africa and is terrified of even a suggestion that she may need a caesarean. The terror makes communication difficult but worse still, sometimes we may find no translators for an African dialect and have to spend an hour and a half worth of three point translation from English to a European language and into an African one.

Pretty young European women, who are pregnant, jump the queue for being alloted a house. This makes some people resentful, but it makes things worse when they realise that the woman in question, has not lived in Europe but has acquired a European passport by being in an African country, which was until a few years ago, a colony of a European country.

Translation has become huge business in the UK. Schools with classful of children who don't speak English make teachers work twice as hard. Public services feel the brunt of the influx, especially where large numbers have settled down.

Strikes by a number of industrial workers protesting against companies opting for "cheap immigrant labour" is something happening more frequently, as the recession gets under way and makes news.

British workers probably need to remind themselves of Darwin's rules of survival of the fittest and reinvent themselves and move out to Europe, just like Mumbaikars, who need to think, why hordes of non skilled workers from Bihar, continue to find work in "amchi Mumbai".

Businesses work on basis of supply and demand, profitabilty and cost effectiveness. Doing business is easier, as long as you can remain competitive.

But as capitalism limps ahead, propped up by socialistic measures like intravenous boluses of tax payer's money, struggling businesses abandon social responsibilty. Common people like us are asked to bike to work, not go on flight holidays, recycle our rubbish and do our bit, while huge machines turn old cars into scrap, to kickstart the automobile industry.

What about all the wars which have taken such a huge toll on human life? America is top exporter of defence goods and this tiny island country is next- 21% market share.

The think tank has advised the Government that investing in Defence firms is likely to get us out of recession than investing in Banks! Well, that is not rocket science! But I wonder how you create a marketing campaign to create demand for defence services.

They envisage that since the wars on terror have been more successful in recruiting terrorists at home and abroad, the world is going to need kits to protect themselves from terrorists and also pirates- thankfully for the defence firms, they have made a comeback too!

It is not just doctors who benefit from other people's suffering.

So much for the symbiosis or interdependence of the two worlds- civilized, democratic and green and not so civilized, democratic and green.

We dont talk any more!

Hubby and I had a birthday each in the past six weeks. Age is seeming to creep up steadily and stealthily on us.

One of our friend's sons has recently left home to go to University. This seems like a significant milestone, which somehow doesnt seem so far away now, as my daughter seems to be reaching up to my ears.

Living as close to the east coast as we do, it is essential that children will have to leave home to go to University. Some friends were reminiscing the time of their lives, before their sons left home. The long gone era, when their family holidayed together, enjoyed going to the same get togethers and the time when children were part of dinner table conversations. Sons, the macho guys, the traditional hunters, you wouldnt expect them to stay home, would you?

This reminded me of the guys from IIT, Delhi, years ago, who told us girls, the traditional homeward bound nurturers, from Lady Hardinge during a dance, that they "neverrrr" go home during holidays. This was indigestible news to us, girls, who all raised our eyebrows-"sachi?" coz we were busy counting down days to go home, while the guys were planning hikes and rafting trips for short breaks, unless emotionally blackmailed by mums, to come home.

Girls probably need the anchoring of family ties more than the guys, who like to believe they dont need it. But going by the way the two sexes handle a break up, there is no doubt in my mind, about who is more disillusioned about what they need and which is the stronger sex.

Parents always talk about monosyllable replies from teenage children, which any futile attempts at initiating a conversation with them, results in.

But even I remember my mum pointing out how my energy levels would get a huge boost as soon as a friend appeared on the door, while just before that I would be making pleas of fatigue and inertia, when asked to run an errand.

I am facing the same story now. I am no longer greeted by kids running with open arms, ready for a hug, when I come back from work. The house has become a lot quieter even when everybody is home, because of the enormous ability of my nearly teen daughter to be on the laptop all day long with ear phones in her ears.

We seem to be able to find out what is on her mind much better from facebook than in a face to face conversation which is scarce during a working day and is quite often full of instructions from my side and long faces/grimaces from hers.Whereas earlier children used to demand that we spend time with them, now they watch different television programs, have different social calendars and pursuits.

Recently, we were watching, enjoying rather, a video of one of the parades in Disneyland shot few years ago by our friends, when their eight year old playing on a mobile phone on the sofa commented without looking up- "Disneyland is rubbish".
Well, Disneyland's parades have definitely not been upgraded to include any recent Disney characters ...but..rubbish??!

I think we might be better prepared for the empty nest than parents a few years ago, or maybe not. Few years ago, parents used to complain about how much time kids spent on the telephone, now we complain about social networking sites, chats and sms.

Love Aajkal depicted quite explicitly, that in spite of the new generation's belief that they are different and much ahead, the emotions and aspirations from relationships remains the same.

Therefore, I think we, more than ever, need to make an extra effort to engage our children to ensure we find out what is going on in their lives and be able to listen to them, allay their fears, encourage and support them, especially because, today, our verbal communication is competing against the explosion of media, web and tele communications.

Technology leaves us with no choice

Like all mums, my mind is busy trying to plan activities for kids with an urgency which seems lost on my husband. I often wonder about the contribution of men in child rearing, apart from the critical contribution at initial stages of creation. Excited plans of days out, trips and after school activities are often greeted with expressions befitting the lazing lion being invited to swing on tree tops by a bunch of monkeys.

Most of the time my endeavour is to get the kids away from screens of the computer, television or mobile phone but I have recently realized how lucky we are as a generation to be able to appreciate how technology has indeed changed our lives for the better.

My mum, for instance who is nearly seventy, has suddenly been able to connect with her friends. Both men, who probably remember her as a delicate beauty in medical college, as well as close friends she thought she had lost touch with. With forwarded mails of philosophical presentations, jokes and sheroshayari, she is obviously having a blast and looks forward to each day's session on her laptop. Likewise, laptops and mobiles have been a boon to people in hospital beds or people who are otherwise confined.

Whereas earlier grandparents and parents would wait for letters, photographs and visits to find out how the little ones look, now, people are able to chat through out the day free of cost on Skype, are able to see growing grand children and are even able to take part in ceremonies like cutting the birthday cake, or Diwali Puja. Unfortunately, singing together is a chaotic no no, due to the few seconds delay in voices being carried across.

Then there are stories of how a man collapsed during his morning walk and his son in another city was contacted within minutes by dialling the last dialled call on his mobile.

Looking for directions is another area which has undergone a metamorphosis. In India, nobody asks for house numbers, while setting out to a friend's place any more. They just drive with mobile earphones and get real time directions- "yes, I am crossing the sweet shop, is that you in the shit yellow shirt waving like a madman?"

In the UK, where there is a paucity of people, who can be stopped to give directions, we have the Satellite Navigation System, which can sometimes lead you through abandoned country lanes in the middle of the night and freeze your blood by saying-"You have reached your destination," in a characteristically sing song voice with a finality which can leave you looking foolish and scared all at the same time.

Yet, I do remember waiting in the basement in Delhi Public School Hostel, for a trunk call booked hours before, to my parents in Asansol, to get through. I also remember looking for articles for my thesis in the dusty archive section of the medical journals in National Medical Library, an activity unheard of since the google arrived. Standing in line for train tickets, sweating cashiers ploughing through queues before a long weekend...these are dinosaurs in this age of ATMs, internet and mobile telephony.

Nothing causes wide eyes in my children, from man-eating sharks to earth shaking volcanoes and tsunamis, they have seen everything on the internet or television, if not in the real, then in the make believe world of movies. They imbibe information actively and passively, much more than we can imagine especially when spiderman's DNA, and futuristic games of football, all make learning fun.

Not only has technology changed personal lives, but also changed collective thinking. Be it the videos of Burmese Govt crushing the Buddhist monks or the huge demonstrations in Iran or even the shocking images of the collapsing twin towers...how information travels has isolated the radicals and brought together the moderates.

It reminds me of a debate I prepared for in the fourth year of my school- "science is a blessing, not a curse" Students against the motion had their most effective weapon- the Atom Bomb! I hope we live to see the good, not the bad...coming from advances in technology.

Body image

When I came to Great Yarmouth and saw these duck like pigeons waddling in my backyard I thought they had, like their human counterparts in this sleepy seaside town, grown fat on fish and chips. But then a "wildlife in Britain" handbook enlightened me that the wood pigeon was actually a different species.

I wonder if the wood pigeons ever look enviously at their slim and gorgeous cousins, the ring doves, and whether they suffer from poor body image and spend their time looking at their reflections in the water, considering breast reduction, liposuction or a different feather colour for that matter. I wonder if they know that a healthy diet of grains is better than chips.

Human celebrities, who are paid to look good, leave no stone unturned to do so and a candid Pamela Anderson has even referred to her breasts as a different entity from herself, appreciating them for what they had done for her career.


Yet, Hello and OK magazines like being unkind to celebrities and run features on bad dresses, bad hair days or even a computer generated photo feature on how hot glamorous models/actresses will look when they are sixty. I wonder if it is important to see bad images of others to improve your self worth.

Another recent feature in these mindless magazines, which are I will admit a good "time pass" when I am tired and feeling brainless while on call, in the hospital, is cosmetic surgery gone wrong, i.e pictures and interviews of people who have been on the wrong edge of the knife.

But even so, most of the cosmetic surgery is now being done on ordinary people. It seems people earning less than 20,000 dollars a year account for half of the cosmetic surgery procedures in the USA. Botox and liposuction are household words in India's metros and hair transplants and tummy tucks are happening even in small towns of India.

When I read patient notes before I call women into my consultation room, I guess I subconsciously generate a picture in my mind. Because I often come across women who surprise me by looking 10 years younger (enough to confuse me about their reproductive potential) without any surgery and minimum effort.

However, I did come across a woman who was 75 years old, but wore rolled up jeans and high heeled pump shoes. While taking a history I learnt that she had had a face lift and a nose job. Yet she was not happy with the way she looked and she ended by saying-"But I do know I can look good if I want to." I did not know how to react. She was an ordinary woman with numerous financial issues. She desperately needed a dose of happiness, which I think works better than cosmetic surgery in making people look good and young.

Just when Dhoni was being touted as the Gen next's iconic role model, who was not just a young and talented guy from a small town, but was also admired for his positive energy and cool headedness on and off the field, Team India was humiliatingly ousted from the T20 World cup, which came soon after the media's disenchantment with him. Now he is being written off by statements like..."Dhoni's honeymoon is over"

But even worse than the fact that India was ousted by losing to England (a team which lost to amateur Netherlands), is the fact that the World Cup was brought home by somebody so close to home. A formidable and God fearing team, they deserve the cup and the celebration that it has brought to a country in troubled times. The crowd which wanted to really rub it in, when confronted with an Indian media person was endearing to watch on TV.

Is it success which really crawls up to people's brains to cause debacles like these or the various pressures which come with being successful? One of them is trying to keep your place in the spotlight, I guess. The pressure of being the defending champions...

Very much the reason why kids should never be pressurized. They make such expressive drawings when they are young, a complete reflection of the world around them. My daughter made a drawing for her gharonda during Diwali, when she was four.It had everybody and everything, namely mummy, little brother, maid, cars, ants and when asked where Papa was, she said without blinking an eye-"He is in the hospital(working)" So true then, in India!

But as she grew older and was taught how things were supposed to be drawn, she stopped making these expressive drawings and kept churning out the age old two mountains with the sun rising from between them.

It is a challenge indeed to ensure that children feel free to express themselves without feeling the pressure to do things which look good and are what the world expects them to do. There is obviously a thin line between liberty and indiscipline, but then that is the reason Tony Blair had said that, being a Prime Minister is easier than being a parent.

There are the free spirits who get beaten up by the police in the middle of the night at the city centre, but maybe even they are there because they succumbed to pressures of a different kind- peer pressure. The kind which used to make pretty girls without boyfriends feel less pretty, even in my college days which is an age ago, so one cannot even begin to fathom the pressures for our kids. Parental pressure, peer pressure....

Lets hope they are strong enough to break free from all the pressures of modern day living, breathe the fresh air, enjoy life, identify their true vocations in life and make a concerted bid for them!

Long weekend

Had a relaxing bank holiday weekend with friends and kid's friends, lots of wine, food, sunshine and new activities like rowing and table tennis. Another new experience was a very noisy falling off, of the car's silencer pipe, while driving to the mechanic. The hollow pipe was thankfully picked up by hubby dear, from the road, before it caused a health and safety hazard.

But small hitches like these, were soon forgotten in the glorious sunshine emanating from the sun and four very happy children's faces, who were so happy to be together that even small time separations like sitting in different boats made them sulk unless we made the rowing competitive enough to generate excitement or bad enough to make them wonder if they were ever going to get back on to land at all. Navigating differently abled parents too, kept them busy.

The men were helpful and in good cheer, thanks to the share market in India, which seems to have taken off like a rocket into unexplored territory. Well, the credit goes definitely to the unassuming and reluctant king- the Singh who won the hearts of majority Indians (Manmohan).

One can't disregard the dimpled goodlooking half Italian who suddenly seems to be a darling of the media, whereas earlier he would only be in the news for his faux pas. Men are still voting for Priyanka as the future, whereas the women are definitely for the most eleigible bachelor in the country. Sigh! Women are also quick to rubbish any speculation about his heterosexual status. Come on, whats wrong with being 39 and single?

I overheard my senior colleague and a senior manager, both middle aged women gloating over England's test win against South Africa and they reminded me politely that-"IPL was just about hitting the ball as hard and as fast as possible...it lacks finesse. Test cricket should stay." I preferred to keep quiet. It made me think whether this was a generational shift, with the obviously more impatient younger people wanting immediate results in work, love and entertainment, NOW! as opposed to tomorrow.

Politicians are definitely the flavor of the month. Here in UK, newspapers carrying reports about how many of our parliamentarians' homes, swimming pools, gardens, home theatres, carpets and curtains have been paid for by taxpayers, have been making headlines.

But I wonder if anybody can put a hand on their heart and say that, if they had been in the MP's places and were told that it was all within rules- would they have questioned their conscience and not claimed for what is looking so bad, now that it is in the spotlight?

Don't all business people, go to great lengths to evade tax? Only the salaried class is the donkey with the country's tax burden...a donkey who is penalized for working because as Nandan Nilekani puts it- we are neither good for note nor vote!